The decision to work with a surrogate is one that is ripe with emotions. For many women, the choice to work with a surrogate is often the result of a lengthy, emotional struggle with infertility. It’s only natural to wonder if you’ll feel adverse emotions towards your surrogate as your journey moves forward.
First of all, we want to make something clear. You’re not a bad person for wondering if you’ll feel jealousy or resentment towards your surrogate. You’re normal. And, if anything, you’re a kind hearted, empathetic woman who doesn’t want to hurt anyone who desires to help her family grow. Before even starting your journey, you’re already considering the emotions of a woman that you haven’t even met. So, to start, give yourself a break. Take a deep breath, and let’s work through this together.
The vast majority of intended mothers tell us that they feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for their surrogate, not jealousy. That said, there may be parts of the pregnancy that are difficult for you to be excited about. For example, some intended mothers tell us that they feel a bit sad when a surrogate shares stories of feeling those first baby kicks. Some feel disappointed to not be receiving the ultrasounds themselves, and therefore, find it hard to attend those appointments. But more than any of these feelings, they tell us that they feel excitement and gratitude at the process.
It’s important to own your emotions and your journey. Is this the path to parenthood that you envisioned when you married your spouse? Probably not. But that does not mean that this has to be a painful or sad journey for you. Your path to parenthood is filled with smart, loving, giving people working as a team to create a miracle. You get to experience the highs and the lows of pregnancy with a team. You have an entire family of people to cheer with or cry with. Your experiences will be unique and special to you. We encourage you to look for little ways that make your journey special as opposed to getting hung up on the differences in this path to parenthood versus the one that you envisioned for yourself.
As for your surrogate, know that she is empathic and understanding, too. She is a woman. She understands more than anyone that pull to parenthood that you’re feeling because she has felt it herself. She also understands that there may be times during the experience that you need a little space.
We encourage you to have an open line of communication with your surrogate about how you’re feeling. If too many updates upset you, communicate that perhaps fewer updates would be better. Or, if you’re thirsty for every little morsel of information, let her know that it’s OK to share more news. In an attempt to be respectful, some surrogates may not share all of the tiny details unless you ask. In general, know that surrogates love to talk about their experience and desperately want for you to be an active part of your pregnancy.
Family Inceptions is here to walk this journey with you. We understand that you may not know what your boundaries are until you’ve gotten close to them. It’s OK to reach out to us to speak about how you're feeling as new emotions present themselves. We’re also happy to act as an intermediary to aid in communication if you desire. It is our goal to help you to develop the best relationship possible with your surrogate. We’re here to help you however we can.