And then we just started talking about the donation. And she said, I’m curious, do you have any regrets? Hey there, welcome back. If you don’t know who I am, I’m Eloise Drane, host of fertility cafe. As a sixth time donor and three times surrogate, I’ve helped many families become home. But only once have I had the opportunity to meet with one of the children born from my multiple egg donation cycles. In this episode, I share what the experience of meeting my egg donor baby was like, what she shared with me about how she feels about being born of assisted reproduction, and what donors need to think about long term before making the decision to donate. For privacy reasons, we will call her Angel on the show, but that is not her real name. So let’s get started.
Eloise Drane
First, let me tell you about my journey to egg donation. I’ve recorded this in the past. So I’m going to give you a quick rundown. In 98, I became a kidney donor for my cousin. And while I was visiting him in California, I saw an ad in a magazine that I was looking at for egg donation. And I was like, huh, I even asked my cousin that was with me at the time, would she ever consider donating her eggs? And she was like, No, probably not. But you know, for me, I was like, you know, it’s probably something I feel like I could do, but put it in the back of my mind. About a year and change later. I don’t remember why I thought about it again. But I remembered the ad and I called the agency. And I was assuming that they were going to tell me that I couldn’t be a donor because I didn’t live in the state. What they told me was that I would be a great donor, but that black women didn’t really have fertility issues. And they don’t know how long it would take for them to match me. So I was like, Okay, well, you know, just keep me on your database. And fast forward. 9-10 months later, I got a call, donated my first journey and wasn’t the greatest experience. So I was like, okay, not going to do this again.
Eloise Drane
And then a couple of years later, I don’t remember how I came across that website task.org. About egg donation and surrogacy. It was a classified ad website, and you can add your information on there. So I did. And within a couple of hours, I had numerous emails from women looking for black donors. So I decided to go ahead and do donation again. But this time, I did it independently instead of going through an agency. And I got to choose who I wanted to donate for. And out of the six donations. Angel. Her parents were one of the intended parents that I assisted. And I had received an email from them that they were looking for a donor they liked my profile, am I available? And the intended mother and I got on the phone and we started talking. And of course they needed a donor. And so they pretty much asked me if I would donate and I said yes. And they did a donation up north. And I traveled there and did the donation, obviously they have the embryos. And I believe on the first attempt, they got pregnant with their daughter.
Eloise Drane
So one thing that we had said during the donation, and this was obviously an open donation. They were with me actually, every day that I was in the northeast, doing my donation, the parents, they traveled out of state as well. So both of us were out of state and they stayed with me the whole time. And we got to hang out for however many days it was and got to know each other. And we decided that you know, definitely wanted to stay in touch, definitely wanted to keep you know, in contact. And we did, all these years later we did. And the intended mother would send me pictures of their daughter over the years and we actually met in like a state or whatever. And we had our kids, at the time my children were young, their daughter was a baby. And the kids met up and we were at a beach and everybody was hanging out and all of that. And then of course they got to meet my husband and it was great. But again, like I said We kept in touch. And then end of last year, I got an email from the intended mother and she wanted to know if I would be willing to now meet their daughter who is now 17? And I said sure, of course, absolutely. And we were trying to coordinate the times and everything else, and it just never really worked out. So then spring of 22, they reached out again and asked if, you know, we could try to get together.
Eloise Drane
And I was like, Absolutely, yes, we coordinated it and the times, and all of that, and they came to meet me in Atlanta. And when I first got the call about, do you want to meet or whatever, years ago, I would think about, you know, how, how would I ever feel about, you know, meeting my egg donor babies, and I just never was worried or concerned or anything, because all along, I’ve been open and truthful with the people I care about. And the people that loved me, and I love and my family and all of that, I was open and truthful about what I’ve done. And not to say that what I did was a bad thing. It’s just my history. So when this call came, the feeling that I was expecting was actually the feeling that I did feel of just okay, you know, I’m excited, I am anxious to want to do this and anxious to actually meet her. I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t any of those things, I was just so excited. So we come up to the date that we’re going to meet and I met them at a hotel. And when I walked in the intended parents were waiting in the lobby for me and angel had ran upstairs to the room real quick. So we had a chance to kind of just catch up and talk and it was great catching up with them. It was great seeing them.
Eloise Drane
And then angel came downstairs and my heart just Oh, my heart just melted. Because it wasn’t, I had love for her. Not like love though, for my children. I had and I don’t know how to necessarily put this into words, people. So just kind of like, bear with me for a second. But I just, I felt awe really truly, that I got to be the part or I got to be a part of the love and just the love that I saw from these parents for their daughter. And knowing that I had a part of that, it was just kind of the feeling that I had when I gave my cousin a kidney. And really what propelled me to want to become a donor because I truly did think that I was going to get that same feeling. And this spring, I got that feeling again. And I was just like, oh my god, I cannot believe I had the opportunity to be able to do this. So. And the funny thing is, she looks a lot like me, she definitely has some features that are similar to mine. I was actually laughing like, Oh, my goodness, you definitely, you know, have some resemblance for sure. And we laughed about it. And you know, talked about it and all of that. And she was definitely shy at first as well. And you know, her parents were there.
Eloise Drane
And, you know, it was just the superficial conversations of school and how things are going and what she’s planning on doing for college and, you know, and what her long term goals are. And then her parents decided to give us some time to just talk amongst ourselves. And so they left and it was her and I and I told her I said, you know, I’m here, you can ask me any question you want. There’s nothing off of the table. And so she asked me about my kids and what they’re like, she asked me what I do, and I think she already knew kind of like what I did, but she wanted more detail and what I like, what I dislike, what we both have in common. We are both lovers of shoes and bags. So we definitely got a kick out of you know those things of like, it’s a bad bad habit. But you know, Hey, you can’t, I’m not going to change it for the world. And then we just started talking about the donation. And she said, I’m curious, do you have any regrets? And actually, it was not a question that I was expecting. But I’m like, of course I thought about this question for a long time. And, and I told her truthfully, nope, I have zero regrets.
Eloise Drane
I have zero regrets, because I knew that this was something that I was supposed to do. Perhaps for other people, they’re never going to understand. They’re not going to know why. And quite frankly, it’s not their business. It’s not their business to know why and it’s not their business to understand because it is my path to walk. And so for me, I don’t have regrets. Because I know what I was able to do was to bring another life into this world. And I am a believer. And I do believe that, for me, this was something that God had me to do. And so I just knew that what I did was exactly what I was created to do. So I told her, I said, No, I don’t have no regrets. And I said, Well, how do you feel about it? She’s like, Well, at first, I was embarrassed. Because I didn’t really know, I didn’t know for a long time. My parents didn’t tell me. And then they finally told me and I was in shock. And then I felt upset. And I felt mad. And I always felt that there was something different about me and my mom, but I just never could pinpoint it. And I also was embarrassed about, you know, telling my friends, and I didn’t really want anybody to know. And I told one friend, but I swore that friend to secrecy. And I just didn’t want to even think about it for a while.
Eloise Drane
And I told her, I said, you know, there’s a lot of people out in the world, and everybody has their own opinion, but the opinion of one, which is you is the only one that matters. And you were created out of pure love, love from your parents, love from me, even love from the professionals who helped to bring you into this world. You were wanted so desperately that people moved hell on earth, to bring you into this world. And then she was saying, people were saying, Well, isn’t it kind of weird that your mom is not really your mom. And I’m like, well, but she is your mom, though. What you got for me was DNA. What you got from her is love. And there are plenty of people in this world right now whose person that their DNA makeup was not the person who raised them. It was someone else who gave them everything that they could possibly imagine, which your parents did for you. So don’t worry about what other people are saying or thinking because what you can let them know is I know I was wanted, you don’t need to give anybody an explanation. You don’t need to give anybody a rundown of how your life came to be. For what? No one has given you a rundown of how their lives came to be. So why do you feel like you need to give somebody an explanation? You don’t. We spoke for about 30 minutes or so.
Eloise Drane
And then headed out, went met her parents and said our goodbyes. And I needed to get home because my mom actually had came down from Massachusetts to come and visit so I needed to get back to the house and they were going to dinner. Well, when I get home, I obviously share with my family that I you know, met my egg donor baby and my mom was like, Well, are they still around? And I’m like Yeah, I think they went to dinner. She was like, so why don’t you tell them to come over? I was like, Oh, okay. So I sent them a text and said, Hey, my mom is here. And obviously my husband and kids were at the house and so wanted to see if you were willing to come over to my house and actually meet my family. And of course they were like Yes. So after dinner, they came over. And it was just, it was actually wild to know that there was three generations in my household and how it was just such a full circle, this donor baby that I helped create and really didn’t know if I was ever going to meet or not meet or even come to fruition is now sitting in my house, meeting my mom, meeting my husband again, even though I know she doesn’t remember, meeting my kids again, even though neither one of them remembered. So, again, it was just awesome.
Eloise Drane
And just real quickly, my family is Cape Verdean, which is off the west coast of Africa. So as a Cape Verdean, we have our dishes, and you know, certain things that we make that are just, you know, obviously, like a Cape Verdean dish. And my mom, when she comes, she will make these Cape Verdean dishes for us not to say that I can’t make it. But truly, it really is time consuming. And I just don’t have the time for it. But I love eating it. So anyway, when they got there, I asked my mom, I was like, huh, would you be willing to you know, make one of these dishes for them? And she was like, yeah, so she tells them, like, I’m gonna make you this Cape Verdean dish. And she, of course, she makes it so quickly. She whips it up real fast. And they love it. And they even took some back with them. And it was great for my mom to meet them and meet her. And she, you know, asked my mom questions. And again, it was awesome. Of course, we took pictures and all kinds of stuff, and definitely will be planning on continuing a long term relationship. Angel has my cell number. And, of course, I have hers. And she’s text me since we’ve saw each other and you know, here and there, and I, you know, we’ll randomly text her and just see how she’s doing.
Eloise Drane
It was just amazing, and realizing the importance of what it really means to become an egg donor. Meeting this child, not that that was lost on me before but it just kind of reiterated to me the importance of what it means when we raise our hands and say that we’re willing to be egg donors, and we’re willing to be surrogates, and we’re willing to be sperm donors and even embryo donors. And for women who are considering becoming egg donors and sperm donors actually, I would say that you really do need to think long and hard, like remove the money, remove the feeling of how it’s going to feel great afterwards. And all of the things and think long and hard, long term, 17 years, 25 years, 30 years from now, you donated and you now donated child is knocking on your door and what your response is going to be. And if your response can’t be excitement, then do you really want to be a donor for the right reasons?
Eloise Drane
And who am I to tell you what your right reasons are, and why you should and should not be an egg donor, if your reason is solely for the monetary gain, or if it’s solely for the feeling as mine was not necessarily for the monetary gain, because what you have to go through for what I had received was definitely not worth it. But the outcome was for sure. And that’s what you need to remember. Are you okay with whatever the outcome is, and then you have to remember the outcome at the end will potentially be a human being who has every right to know what they are made up of. Now, their parents will help make up who they are for sure. But you will also have a makeup to them with their DNA. And we need to kind of be responsible in that decision.
Eloise Drane
Thank you so much for listening. I hope my story has shed some light on some of the unexpected factors you may want to consider either as a potential donor, or as an intended parent. If you found this episode helpful, please rate fertility Cafe on your favorite listening platform and share this episode with anyone you think could benefit from hearing my story. Until next time, remember Love has no limits neither should parenthood
