Hey there. Welcome back to Fertility Cafe. I’m your host Eloise Drane. Welcome to Episode 70 of Fertility Cafe. In this episode, I want to share with you the real life story of one egg donor and what the experience was like from her perspective. According to the CDC, there were a total of 330,773 Egg Donation cycles in 2019. That’s mind boggling, even if the average donor completed two cycles that year, and oftentimes donors will only complete one, that’s still more than 165,000 egg donors that year alone. We hear all the time about intended parents, their IVF journeys and what the process was like for them. But we don’t often talk to the donors who helped make these journeys possible. On with me today, we have a special guest, Rai Hyde, a six time egg donor who donated from 2015 through 2018, to six families in the US and abroad. Rai, welcome. And thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it.
Rai Hyde
Thanks for having me.
Eloise Drane
So first, let’s start with your story. Looking back on your experience, how do you feel about your donations,
Rai Hyde
I love the fact that I was able to be an egg donor, I look back on it, and it feels, even though now I’m dealing with a lot of complications from it. It’s still, I look back at that and I just feel fulfilled, like I feel like it was part of my purpose. And I feel like I got to check off a box that most people never get to experience and I’m just, I’m thrilled and honored that I got to be an egg donor six times.
Eloise Drane
So what was your motivation for donating? Like, how did you even get started down that path?
Rai Hyde
So I think like a lot of women, my initial motivation was financial. I remember talking with a girlfriend of mine in college, we were just joking around one day about how you know is kind of one of those snarky like girls versus boys conversations we were having with some of our friends and saying, Oh, boys only get $50 to donate sperm and egg donors get like $5,000. And so we were kind of just being catty about it. And then I was like really like, and of course, I’m a starving college student, you know, doing writing gigs on the side, trying to pay for tuition and all of that stuff. And so I’m like, really, like women get $5,000 to donate eggs. And so I just started looking into it. And I went to a clinic out in California where I was living at the time, and did kind of like a pre screening interviews to learn. And I think they had a group of potential donors there who were just there to get information. A
Rai Hyde
nd I saw this couple, and they were in one of these like consult rooms, and they had the door open, and they were waiting for someone to come back. And I just remember, I can still see them in my head, just feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders. And they weren’t hysterical. They weren’t being loud or dramatic, but just like the weight of the emotion coming off of them. And they were maybe late 20s, early 30s. And they were trying to have kids and seeing them, seeing how devastated they were that they might not be able to have children. That’s what cinched it for me. Seeing them I was like, Okay, I was meant to be here, I was meant to see this, I was meant to overhear these things like, this is what I’m meant to do. I’m meant to help them because I personally don’t want children. My husband doesn’t want children. But genetically, we’ve been very fortunate. I mean, my grandmother’s one of the longest living survivors of leukemia in California. And so we have some really great genetic blessings. And I would love to pass that on to the people who are so passionate about having children that they’re devastated at the idea that they might not. Those are the people who are supposed to be having children. And so that’s really what cinched it for me.
Eloise Drane
Hmm. So in total, you’ve done six donations. Was it always through a fertility clinic? Or did you go through agencies?
Rai Hyde
Yes, it was always through agencies. I really didn’t know that you could go straight through a clinic until after I had done six. I had learned more about it. And I think that’s one of the issues right is we get into these things and we kind of get swept up in the momentum of it all and you know, the profiles and the assessments and the genetic screenings and psychological screenings and IQ tests and all of these things, and then it’s like this whirlwind. And then at the end, I learned everything that I really should have learned at the beginning part of it, but yes, I went through two different agencies over the course of six donations in five different states.
Eloise Drane
Yeah. Okay, so it was all over the place.
Rai Hyde
Yeah, yeah. And one of my IPs, were actually in Israel. And not all of my IPs were in the same city and state as the clinic where I did the donation, that’s where their surrogate was. But my IP were all over the world.
Eloise Drane
So did you have a relationship with any of your intended parents,
Rai Hyde
I donated to four heterosexual couples and two homosexual couples. With the heterosexual couples, it was always a closed donation, completely anonymous. And I had no relationship, no connection, I still know nothing about the outcomes of those donations. With one of the homosexual couples that I donated to, they’re in Israel. And I did learn that they had a baby girl. And during the screening process, we did do a zoom call, where I was able to meet with them and talk to them, and oh, my God, I was so nervous, I was like, I want to impress these guys, like I really want to donate for them. It was like worse than a job interview. I was so nervous. And then another gay couple that I donated to, I do have a very good relationship with them. And they’ve kept me in the loop. And I know about all the babies that they’ve had, and they send me photos, and they sent me a Christmas card. And I would have to say, if it wasn’t for that family, keeping me in the loop and the outcome of my donation, I would probably feel very differently about my entire experience as an egg donor. But getting to see the fruits of your medications. Yes, the fruits of my labor. Yeah. And then, and the ripple effects of everything that I went through. It just makes it so worth it even to only know about that one family.
Eloise Drane
So what do you think about this whole donor anonymity and having donors and intended parents be anonymous, and you know, some of it is because parents choose to be anonymous, or donors choose to be anonymous. Some of it is because it’s not even an option to be open donation. But what is your thoughts on that, given your experience?
Rai Hyde
I’m always very pro choice everything, I believe everyone should have their own choice about whatever happens in their life. But for me, and you know, if a friend ever came up to me and said, Hey, do you recommend I do an open donation, a known donation, or an anonymous donation, I would say, do a known donation, because, one, the emotional reciprocation, is just unbelievable, it’s so much more fulfilling, and it makes it so much more real, when you can actually have a relationship with the people that you’re donating to. Also, just from a pragmatic standpoint, for the health of the kiddos who were born, you know, they might come to me in five years, 10 years saying, hey, you know, little so and so is having this problem, are there any recent developments in your family history that we should be aware of, or, you know, something to that effect? And so from both the psychological side, the emotional side and the medical side, to me, everything points to known donations.
Eloise Drane
Hmm, yeah. And I agree, I mean, I got a chance to meet my egg donor baby this spring. And when you’re going through the process, I think you’re emotionally removed sometimes from what the actual outcome could potentially be, which is obviously a human being. And so you don’t really think about it. But once you like, see, there’s a tangible human being in your face now, it changes everything for you, it really does change. And now more so, a lot of donor conceived people are coming out and saying, hey, you know, I need to know not because I want to just know just because, but what if that person’s genetic DNA is going to affect my outcome of life down the road? Like, I should have that right to have that information? And now there’s plenty of states that are starting to look into it. I mean, shoot Colorado, is one of the states that passed, where come 2025, there is no more anonymous donation, sperm or app.
Rai Hyde
Yeah. So I’ve been able to have zoom calls with one of the children born from my donation. And he’s, I think he’s three now so I mean, not a lot of conversation, but just getting to know his personality. And his dads will ask me questions like, when you were a kid, were you like this? Were you like this? You know, what was your personality like? What activities did you like to do? What were you drawn towards? And they tell me that their son, who was born from my donation has a lot of the same personality traits. And they’re like, we have no idea where he’s getting this from, because neither of us are like this, he must have gotten it from you. And I’m like, Yeah, I was exactly like that as a kid. And so it’s just fascinating. You know, we think of genetics as the color of your hair, the color of your eyes, the color of your skin, it’s not, it goes so much deeper than that. It goes into your personality, your relationships, the way that you interact with people in the environment, the way that you see the world, there’s so much hidden in our DNA that we don’t understand. And so I think that’s a big part of people understanding and accepting themselves as they get older.
Eloise Drane
Absolutely, yes. I wholeheartedly agree. Let’s go back to your actual donations, though, and kind of talk about what the experience is like in, okay, you had to go through all of the screening, and then you had to then start taking medications, and then, you know, obviously, retrieval and all of that, what was all of that like? Like, can you walk me through that?
Rai Hyde
Yeah, so the process of becoming an egg donor and just getting listed. For me, that was actually kind of exciting, because I’m a very self competitive kind of person. You know, I loved doing college applications in high school. I know, I know, I’m weird. But I love the thrill of, I’m going to do my best, I’m going to write this amazing essay, I’m going to put it out there. Will they picked me. And then ultimately, I got accepted into every college that I applied to. And that was thrilling for me. And so it was kind of like that with egg donation where I was applying to, I think I applied to three or four agencies. And I ultimately got accepted into all of them. But I had to pick one because I was like, I don’t know how this works. Am I allowed to have multiple agencies? I didn’t know. And so I just picked one.
Rai Hyde
And that process, you know, it was a little surprising, going through it all, to find out all the things that they asked you. I mean, I didn’t think they were gonna have me take an IQ test. That was a surprise. And then the genetic counseling session, I thought that was going to be more, I mean I came from getting a degree in psychology and my backgrounds in psychology. And so I assumed it was going to be, you know, how do I feel about this? Do I understand the risks, you know, what’s my emotional state like, but really, they were only interested in my family’s mental health history, they asked if I had anybody who had any kind of like, Down syndrome or Asperger’s, you know, any kind of mental health condition that affected their functionality as an individual. And so it was very surprising some of the things that I thought would be one way or I didn’t even think would be an issue like submitting my SAT scores. I mean, I did this when I was 25. And, like, I don’t even know how to get those records anymore. Things like that. It was just a bit odd. But ultimately, I kind of found it exciting to complete the application and then go, Oh, are they going to accept me.
Rai Hyde
And then the process of being matched? I really don’t remember that very well. And I think that’s because it happened very quickly. I think I was matched with IPs, usually within a month or so of my profile going live each time. And then in one case, I did have two sets of IPs pick me at the same time. And one decided to wait until my previous cycle was done. And then I did a cycle for them. From the actual medical standpoint, it was interesting. I have never had to inject myself with anything. I remember the first time I did it. I had my husband with me at the time, who was my boyfriend at the time. Now he’s my husband. And I was like, okay, okay, I can do this, right, I can do this. I was kind of hyping myself up and I’m like closing my eyes. And I’m like, you know, did I do the alcohol swab right? And like, am I getting this right? You know, and then you have to do anywhere from four to eight, depending on your medications and how many injections you do per day, you know, morning and night, used to do four to eight injections a day. And so that kind of hype, I guess, or nervousness went away very quickly.
Rai Hyde
And after a while it was this is getting a bit much and I felt like a pin cushion. And my tummy was all like, you know, I had all these little purple and red spots and things and so that got a bit old quick. And I would say the part that was the most varied though, was the clinical experience. Because I worked with five different clinics over the six different donations and just experiencing how different ones operated and how different clinics treated me differently. At some clinics, I was barely looked at, I was barely talked to in one. I remember the nurse never even looked at me, she looked at my chart, she asked my name, she had me on the table, she did the ultrasound with the probe. She left, never said anything to make me feel comfortable, even though you know, your knees are up and your legs are spread, and you’re in this weird clinical sort of environment. And so there was kind of that experience on one end of the spectrum.
Rai Hyde
And then on the opposite end of the spectrum, I had some clinics that were just like super caring, and compassionate. They want to know how I was feeling. They wanted to know if I was experiencing any discomfort or pain or, you know, what was my water retention like? I mean, they would ask me all of these questions, what was like eating? Make sure you drink some Gatorade, make sure you eat salty foods, you know, they were just very concerned about my well being and my experience. And so that sort of variability was during the three or so years that I donated, that was kind of the biggest determining factor in whether or not I was happy about being an egg donor or not. That was kind of the most impactful piece of it at the time.
Eloise Drane
What about the retrieval? And real quick, just to kind of make a note, I know you said you were taking a number of injections on a daily basis. That actually is, I guess, I would say, everybody is different. Because when I was a donor, I only needed it. Well, I took injections twice a day. It was in the morning, and then the evening. So I think everybody is different in that regard. And then of course, every clinic has different protocols. Yeah, but how was the retrieval and you know, the experience of the how many eggs you received or, not you received, but you were able to get retrieved and all of that.
Rai Hyde
My first donation, which was in Ohio, that one from what I later learned was pretty normal for a donor. I think I ended up donating 27 eggs in my first one. And it was very successful, I was really uncomfortable the day of you know, you’re kind of like ready for the bloating to be done and the swelling to go down and all of that. But I remember that clinic and that staff and they were just so sweet. They were very compassionate, they wanted to make sure I was comfortable, they took really good care of me and they kept my husband, at the time my boyfriend, very well informed of she’s okay, she’s just coming out of the anesthesia, you know. So that was a really great experience. And then fast forward to donation number three, which I did in California, and they got 63 eggs, and I ended up with OHSS, I was gonna say incredibly painful.
Rai Hyde
And I was by myself for that one, my husband couldn’t get time off of work. And so they had a nurse stay with me at night. But other than that, I was just UBERing everywhere. And I was in my hotel room by myself. And it was scary. Because after the retrieval, which the retrieval itself went fine, I was shocked to hear that they got 63 eggs afterwards. And then later on throughout the day, getting progressively more just feeling very full in my torso. And I remember sitting in my hotel bed that night, and I felt like they were bubbles around my collarbone. And I was having a hard time breathing. And so I called the nurse, she hadn’t arrived yet. I think this was probably around six or seven. She was supposed to be there at nine or so. And she goes, Okay, well, you know, take this and take this and take this and drink this and don’t do this. And I can’t even remember all the things that she told me to do. And I’m just sitting there trying to not panic, because I know that’s only going to make it worse, and just breathe but I felt like I couldn’t breathe past about my sternum.
Rai Hyde
Come to find out my lower abdomen had filled with so much fluid that it was actually pushing my organs and my lungs up to the point where I couldn’t take deep breaths because the capacity was no longer there. And that explains the bubble feeling. The you know how you get kind of like a gas bubble cramp in your torso. It was like that but around my collarbones. And that was because of the pressure that was building up in my torso. And the next day, they were about an hour away from doing surgery to remove all of the fluid when my body finally started responding to the meds that they were giving me and letting go of all the fluid that my ovaries and my body I guess just kind of sucked in and held on to in response to the shock from the 63 eggs and the drugs and all that stuff.
Eloise Drane
Yeah, I mean, I did a donation myself and I want to say they retrieved like 40 something eggs. And it wasn’t to that capacity where I couldn’t breathe. But I was so sick. I mean, I kept throwing up. And I just, I mean, I just was feeling so horrible. So, so horrible. And the thing about it is, I’m flying out the next day to go back home. And I was also by myself, because when I did these donations, at that time, it was not necessarily a common thing for you to even bring a companion. It wasn’t even something that people would suggest for you
Rai Hyde
It’s just an added expense back then.
Eloise Drane
Exactly, exactly. Now, it’s a requirement. Well, for our agency anyway. And it was horrible. It was horrible. So I can’t even imagine, you know, that experience and not being able to breathe and how scary that was. But then you went on to do subsequent donations
Rai Hyde
I did. And I credit a lot of that to the clinic, where they were saying, you know, they basically put it on me, they said, Oh, I guess your body is just super fertile. And it just responded, you know, maybe your body’s too sensitive, and it responded weird to the medications and such and such and such and such. And I was like, Okay, well, that was actually the one clinic that I did two donations with. And the logic there was, okay, well, they know how my body responded, in donation number three, so they’re probably going to reduce all my medications and kind of keep closer eye on things for donation number four. Turned out in donation number four, they got something like 48, or 53, or something outrageous again. And I didn’t end up with OHSS that time, but I was in a lot of pain. I was super uncomfortable for days afterwards. Whereas with donations, one and two, I was fine. After the, I remember after donation number one, my husband and I actually went walking around the mall and went to a movie theater. And I was fine. I was, you know, glad for it to be over. And it was, I was comfortable, I was walking around. But after that I refused to work with that clinic anymore. My agency at the time did want me to do donation number five there and I absolutely refused. So that was a deal breaker for me, because I just kind of lost trust in that one in particular.
Eloise Drane
Yeah. Yeah. And unfortunately, not all clinics are, you know, the same. Yeah, there are alike, and not all agencies are alike, either. And so what about the the fifth and sixth donations? Did you experience any problems with those?
Rai Hyde
Number five was also in California, but a different city. And that one went fantastic. And that was actually the one I did for the gay couple who I know their kids and we have a good relationship and everything. That one, it couldn’t have gone more perfect. I think they got 32 eggs. And they were able to create, I believe it was nine female and six male embryos, something like that. And they now have a boy and a girl from my donation. So that one was really successful. And I remember feeling just fine. Number six, was in New Jersey. And the clinic was okay, it was a little weird because I had different team members every time I went there, so I kind of wasn’t able to build rapport with one nurse or one project manager or case manager I suppose. I always saw different people, it was a huge facility. And it was a little impersonal in the sense that I was walking around this enormous campus and every time I’m meeting different people and nobody knows my name, but medically, that one went fine.
Rai Hyde
I remember that they only got 21 eggs. And I felt disappointed. I felt bad. I felt like I had let the IPs down. Because my previous numbers had been so high, they were in the 30s, the 40s, 60s. Which I know that doesn’t always translate into the most mature and viable eggs. But you know, I was just used to coming out of the anesthesia and they tell you a number and it kind of became almost a little competition with myself like oh did I do as good this time as I did last time and I just remember feeling like I didn’t do good enough for the IPs and I didn’t know the IPs for this one. It was a heterosexual couple who wanted it to be closed anonymous donation. And I never found out the results of that one or anything like that. But that was it. I did have my IPs from donation number five come back about a year ago asking me to donate one more time for them because they weren’t sure if they were going to have enough eggs from a previous donor for husband A to have a child with his previous donors eggs.
Rai Hyde
And so ultimately though, their eggs ended up being viable, and they didn’t need me to donate again. But the New Jersey experience really put the cap on it for me. I decided I was not going to donate again, my agency had found a seventh match for me. And they said, you know, this is not usually protocol, usually we stop at six, but this couple, you know, they’ve had their eye on you for a while, and they really want you to donate for them. But the experience in New Jersey kind of made it to where I’m like, this is just not worth it anymore. And the only way I was going to donate again, is if it was for that couple that I had a good relationship with. For them, I would probably do anything, I’d probably give their kids a kidney if the kid needed it, you know, but that’s when I really decided, Okay, I’m done. It’s time for me to retire.
Eloise Drane
In the beginning, you mentioned that you’re now experiencing issues related to the egg donation, what issues are you experiencing?
Rai Hyde
In context, I would say I’m very fortunate. I know a lot of donors who have had really severe problems like ovarian cysts, and cancer and things like that. I’m luckily not dealing with anything like that. My issue is that all of my hormones are basically non existent, my body is not producing estrogen, progesterone, luteinizing hormone, FSH, any of that, that my body is not producing anything, and even my testosterone levels are extremely low. So basically, what that means is, a lot of the metabolic processes in my body are basically halted. So I can’t lose weight, I’ve put on quite a bit of weight, and I haven’t been able to lose it no matter what I do. I also have a lot of trouble with my energy. I don’t sleep very well. And my energy throughout the day is, I’d say, on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s better a 2, and that’s become normal for me. And I have to find a way to function and run my businesses and you know, do all the things around my house.
Rai Hyde
And we were talking earlier about I have chickens and a dog and a cat and a gecko and my husband who’s now retiring and coming to work from home, and all these things going on. And I have to figure out how to manage all of that with basically no energy that my body’s producing. So it’s just everything is kind of gridlocked. And so I’m going through a process now of trying to get off of birth control pills, which, because my husband and I don’t want children I’ve been on since I was 17. I’ll be going through tubal ligation surgery, so that I can get off all synthetic hormones. And hopefully with that, and some supplements and a lot of prayer and meditation, that I can get my body to turn the factory on again and start producing hormones naturally that I need to have a regular metabolism and be able to really function and thrive.
Eloise Drane
And are you for sure that you know that this was all a result of the donations?
Rai Hyde
No, I mean, it could I suppose be due to something else. I just I can’t imagine what else and my doctor has gone through all of the tests, all of the blood tests, all of the scans, all of the everything, we can’t find any reason for it, other than the fact that I injected myself with foreign medications multiple times a day for several weeks at a time and went through these really dramatic hormone fluctuations during my donations. So it’s not a clear cut, you know, you were an egg donor and you had ovarian torsion, because your ovary, you know, got too big and flipped over. It’s not like a clear cause and effect like that. But it’s a process of elimination. And there’s absolutely, I’m 32 and there’s absolutely no other reason. There’s no family history, for me to have this sort of very strange problem going on.
Eloise Drane
Yeah, absolutely. And who knows, I mean, unfortunately, there’s no long term studies of the outcome of what can happen if you do IVF multiple times if your donor or a surrogate, or even the intended parent that’s going through IVF themselves, there really is nothing long term. Now granted, this didn’t really come about until what, 50 some odd years ago, but we need to begin doing a lot more studies in this industry to find out what the long term effects of all of this ss because nobody knows.
Rai Hyde
Yeah, I mean, I think back to, you know, the late 70s. And even if they had just kept longitudinal anecdotal information on donors, we could start to see patterns emerge. We could start to see quality studies coming to light and things like that that could help us better informed donors. And that’s the other thing is, I didn’t learn about any of this, I didn’t hear about any other donors having, you know, cancer, and just all sorts of issues until after I had finished several donations. So it wasn’t part of the informed consent process, which I think is a bit of a gray area, because nobody can say, hey, this donation process causes this. The way that they can on, you know, cigarette packages and things like that. But I do think there should be some sort of, hey, these sorts of cases have been reported, we don’t know if it’s related to egg donation and medications, but we need you to be aware of the potential effects of what you’re about to do. And just having that truly informed consent process, I think, is something that’s lacking in the industry.
Eloise Drane
And I don’t know if it’s only egg donation, because again, when any woman is going through IVF, it’s the same exact process, the difference is, you’re doing it on the behalf of someone else, they’re doing it for themselves. So you know, they still have to take the medication, they still have to go through, unfortunately, all the ultrasounds and the retrieval and all of that, but I think it’s as a whole that they definitely need to be beginning that research and follow through of okay, you donated. Now let’s look at long term history in doing a track of all of the things. You know, I did a interview with Wendy Kramer from Donor Sibling Registry. And she made such an important point that I didn’t even realize. She said, when cattle or animals are brought into the world, obviously, so that they can, you know, feed the population and all of that, everything is tracked. They know every single one. They know who the parents are. And not just cattle, even animals. I mean, even if you think about dogs, you know, if a dog was born, they know the mother. They know the father, they had the pedigree, all of that. And she’s like and the thing about it is the fertility industry is one place that you actually should be doing all of this tracking and nobody is.
Rai Hyde
This is a industry that has a high potential for that. And a lot of really valuable information can be gathered from that. But I think it also could lead to a slippery slope that a lot of people are either consciously or subconsciously afraid of, which is the epigenetic piece of it. And really, the picking and choosing from the genetic pool, and designing what the next generation could look like. That part is where it starts to get a little scary. And where we have to really trust in the medical teams that are doing these sorts of procedures and helping intended parents select, even egg donation aside, even the process of embryo donation where the intended parents are choosing an embryo to then implant for themselves. How do we know that those embryos are not being selected or suggested based on the genetic traits that they’re carrying? And so it’s one of those areas where, yes, we can get a lot of information and we could distill down a lot of great insights about what the fertility industry is doing to our bodies and the health of women who are donating and being surrogates and you know, everyone involved. But also they could be a slippery slope to something a bit unsavory or nefarious.
Eloise Drane
Yeah, yeah, definitely. Curious, do you have any regrets?
Rai Hyde
No, I really well, I guess I’ll say, I don’t have any regrets about being a donor. The few things that I kind of regret is not speaking up about certain things that bothered me along the way. For example, there was one clinic that I worked with in Illinois. That was donation number two. And that was the one where they didn’t talk to me, they, you know, left me in the exam room. There was just some things that felt like a huge violation in terms of just me as a human. I mean, I felt like I was being treated like a gumball machine, and I’m very non confrontational, and I just kind of like to just go through the process and make it as smooth as possible for everyone involved. I don’t want to ruffle any feathers. But I do regret not saying something and not telling them that they made me feel worthless. They made me feel like I wasn’t a human, I wasn’t a person, I was just a machine that they were putting quarters into to get eggs out. And I guess I feel a strong sense of redemption in a sense to get to be on your podcast and be able to talk about these things. Because that’s really the only way that things are going to change is if we talk about it,
Eloise Drane
Yes. Because funnily enough, that was my first experience of just feeling like I was cattle and feeling used and just like, it was just like, okay, you know, just do this, get it out of the way. So we can go ahead and take care of the intended parents who are our patients, it’s like, well, guess what, I’m actually your patient, too. And I’m choosing to do this to help somebody else. And therefore, I should be owed the utmost respect, in that, I’m choosing to do this for one of your patients. So yeah, I definitely get where you’re coming from. What would you tell intended parents who are considering egg donation?
Rai Hyde
I would say, if you’re an intended parent, really try to open your mind to the possibility of having a relationship with your donor, if that idea scares you, or if you feel threatened by another woman being in the mix of this, you know, process of bringing a child into being, work through that, find a way to work through what is making you feel like you shouldn’t have a relationship with this person, or that you can’t just keep in touch. I mean, my, I call them my donor daddy’s, the couple that I’m still close with. And we don’t talk every day, we don’t even talk every month, we talk maybe once every three or four months over email, it’s nothing super invasive in either of our lives. But it makes so much difference. And so, to IPs, I would say figure out what you’re afraid of with regard to having a relationship with your donor, find a way to work through that, and then find a way to treat your donor like the human that she is and have that relationship because everyone is going to benefit. You, your child and the donor.
Eloise Drane
Absolutely. So what would you tell donors, or potential donors?
Rai Hyde
Personally, I would say, don’t become a donor unless you really don’t want children of your own. And the reason I say that is because the vast majority of donors that I know, have had some sort of problems, either with their fertility or with their reproductive organs, afterwards. For me, I think that’s what makes it something that I don’t regret. Because I don’t want to have children of my own. And so yeah, I’m dealing with the health consequences. But I feel like it’s more of a challenge that I’m up against. And I do feel like I can overcome it, and I will heal from it. But if I wanted children, and this process of me giving children essentially to IPs, and that being taken away from me, if that were my situation, I think I would feel devastated, I would feel a huge sense of regret, I would feel, maybe even some resentment and anger towards the IPs that I donated to, and that’s no way to live your life. So I think that’s an important thing to consider. If you are going to be a donor, assume that there will be repercussions and make sure that you’re okay with those repercussions, and the fact that you might take away your reproductive abilities from yourself.
Eloise Drane
And obviously, every single situation is different because I also donated six times and didn’t have, you know, nearly close to the complications that you had, and then went on to have my son after I did my last donation and then went on to be a gestational surrogate three times after that, and again, didn’t have any of those issues. But I think it is a case by case situation. And I also feel that every person who is considering becoming a donor that they need to do their due diligence, they need to research, they need to not just jump on the first thing they see because they see a dollar sign, they need to be, you know, asking proper questions of the fertility clinics they’re going to donate to or the agency that they’re going to donate to and they need to understand, you know, what is going to be required of them what is going to be expected of them, but they also need to be upfront to let people know of what they the donor expects from the clinic or from the agency or from, you know, the intended parent or whatever, because this is a two way street, this is not just I just give to you, because you’re gonna give me money, and therefore I need to just shut up and walk away. There needs to be a lot more of that. And I think it’s about time that we start educating the donors, not just saying, Hey, can you come and become a donor for us? But okay, are you willing to be a donor, but let me really educate you on the entire process. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, just like I told you when we first started speaking, say everything, the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, don’t hold back. Because that I think, is what has been the disservice all along in this industry is that we’re not really laying out the big picture for everybody. And everybody needs to see the entire picture of what it really is to, you know, to be a donor, to be the recipient parents to be, and then ultimately, this child, that this donor conceived child down the road, and what their life is going to be like, as well.
Rai Hyde
Yeah, yeah. And in building on that point, I think it’s important for donors to realize, you know, the process, the current process, as it stands for donors apply to agencies and clinics, it makes us feel like, are we going to be chosen? Are we going to be chosen? And then once we are chosen? Oh, well, they chose me. So I’d have to do everything that they say. And I have to please them, because they could just remove me from the system as quickly as they said yes, to me. But really, what I would recommend for any donors, moving forward with the process is choose an agency that you feel like is going to be your advocate. I didn’t do that. While ultimately, I’m happy with my donations. And I’m glad that I got to do it. I would say that neither of the agencies that I worked with at the time, were advocates for me. And I think it’s something that the agencies have a responsibility and a unique power to advocate for everybody involved to make the donors not feel like a piece of equipment. But if they’re mistreated at a clinic, an agency can pick up the phone and say, Hey, this is not okay. And since the agencies represent the IPs, who are writing all the checks, and the donors who are doing this gracious thing, the agencies have this amazing opportunity to really transform what’s going wrong in the industry, from that human experience quality.
Eloise Drane
Well, and then we also have to remember too, there’s where you can donate through an agency, but then you can donate directly to the fertility clinic and to the egg base. And you really need to also realize that there’s a difference, and where your voice will be heard loudest, depending on the program that you also select. So there’s that part as well. Well, Rai, I thank you so much for your honesty, I thank you for being open to you know, sharing your experiences with our listeners, and thank you for being on my show today.
Rai Hyde
Thank you so much for having me. This is the first time I’m talking openly about me being a donor and I am so grateful I got to do it on your show and really give voice to these things that a lot of people are experiencing and not talking about. So thank you.
Eloise Drane
Yes, absolutely. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. If you found this episode helpful, please rate fertility Cafe on your favorite listening platform, and share this episode with anyone you think could benefit from hearing it. Thank you so much for joining me today. Until next time, remember, love has no limits. Neither should parenthood
