Hey there. Welcome back to Fertility Cafe. I’m your host Eloise drane Welcome to Episode 73 of Fertility Cafe. Pregnancy is an important transitional time for a mother. Not only are these nine months when her baby is developing, but it’s also when the mother is coming to terms with the fact that she really will be a mother soon. Except in the case of intended parents and surrogates. It’s a unique dynamic, one woman is carrying the child and will not be the one raising the child after birth, but is naturally bonding with the life growing and kicking inside her belly. Meanwhile, another woman is eagerly awaiting the day that she can hold the newborn infant and begin bonding with the baby in a way that she was unable to all throughout the child’s fetal development. Oftentimes, intended parents worry that they might have a hard time bonding with their baby after the birth. However, this is rarely an issue.
Eloise Drane
And in the vast, vast majority of cases, once the baby comes, everyone settles into their roles perfectly well. While it’s mostly women, intended mothers, who we hear these concerns from, but in fact intended fathers in heterosexual couples, gay couples, and single intended parents all worry about these issues as well. If you’re fretting over the bonding with your baby and feeling like you’re missing out, there are a number of things that you can think about, consider, process and do to help you better prepare for the day baby comes. Also intended parents and surrogates can work together to make sure this process is emotionally rewarding for everyone involved as possible, while also ensuring healthy bonds and attachments are formed for the baby and the intended parents. In this episode will talk about all of this and more. So let’s get started.
Eloise Drane
First, how does working with the surrogate affect an intended mother’s ability to bond with her baby? Let’s just tackle that one right off the bat. The truth is, I’ve never seen it affect an intended mother’s or intended father’s ability to bond with baby. In reality, the issue is more of the anticipation and the anxiety, the worry about what ifs, it’s normal to feel this. It’s normal to feel angst. And it’s okay. Because everything you’ve been through, it’s normal to feel a sense of loss over not being able to carry a child yourself. It’s also normal to feel and process a lot of traumatic feelings and experiences. Because of all the steps you’ve had to take to get to the conclusion that surrogacy was your best option. And then on top of that, all of the steps, poking, prodding and emotional turmoil that goes into making a surrogacy journey happen.
Eloise Drane
All of these emotions are swirling around your head in your heart, keeping you preoccupied and making you worry about the end result. Will this actually work? Will the baby be healthy? Will I feel connected to my baby? Will I be ready to be a parent even though I won’t be giving birth. These are all normal concerns to have. That is your first step. Understanding that what you’re going through is very normal and typical, even for couples who conceive and birth a baby naturally. Rather than channeling your energy into worrying, wondering and fretting over what might go wrong after baby is born. I want you to focus on these things instead.
Eloise Drane
First and foremost, you will be so glad that your baby is here. Even if surrogacy wasn’t your ideal way of bringing a child into this world, you show that you would do just about anything to be a parent. And that is a precious gift. Focus on how happy you’ll be to meet your baby, how relieved you’ll be that that guessing and wondering is over and how excited you will be to get to know your child.
Eloise Drane
Another thing I want you to keep in mind is that the more time you spend with your child, the more you will be living into being parents. Being a parent is not a switch. It’s not something that is flipped off one day and then suddenly flicks on the moment your child is born. No. It’s something you grow into. Building on that point, it’s natural if you don’t feel a connection to your baby right away. This can be a bit of a scary thought for some intended parents. But the fact is that this is true for everyone who has children, regardless of how those children come into the world. Once your baby is born, it will feel surreal. All of the buildup and planning and logistics of third party reproduction over the past several years will have finally come to fruition and you will be faced with this adorable little creature who was all yours. That’s a surreal moment. And it takes some time to settle in and for you to start to feel aligned with the new reality you’re living in.
Eloise Drane
Lastly, and I can’t emphasize this enough it’s important to remember that All of the emotions you’re feeling are valid, but you need to look at them, you need to address them, you need to process them, you ignore them, they’ll fester and bubble up in unhealthy ways. So acknowledge how you’re feeling, acknowledge that those feelings are normal, and commit yourself to being this child’s parent, because that’s exactly what you are.
Eloise Drane
Okay, so once you’ve sorted through the cognitive and emotional aspects of preparing for your baby to arrive, and understanding that everything you’re feeling that may worry you about your bond and ability to parent your child is normal. There are also practical things that the intended parents and surrogate can do, either together or separately, to help the intended mother feel like a mother to the baby the surrogate is carrying. Keep in mind that everything that I’m saying also applies to gay couples, single intended parents and other scenarios, but I will likely continue to reference the intended mother or simply intended parents in general, because it is often the women who worry about this most. Okay, so let’s talk about some practical, tangible world things you can do to support the emotional work you’re doing to prepare for bonding with your baby.
Eloise Drane
The surrogacy process is an emotional one for everyone involved. It’s important that you form a healthy open line of communication with your surrogate before implantation to ensure you have a plan for those key milestones when emotions might be heightened. For example, prior to implantation, talk with your surrogate about how comfortable she is with touching her belly, with questions about her experience and the developing baby. And with your involvement at her medical checkups. Talk about how you can be part of the emotional part of your baby’s development and how much information would help you feel connected to the process. Do you want weekly phone calls, ultrasound images, texts when the baby kicks or moves? All of these expectations are important to discuss ahead of time.
Eloise Drane
You may also discuss with your surrogate having a transfer item. This is something that the surrogate has with her during all or part of the pregnancy, possibly has with her during the birth, and that is passed on to the mother after birth. It could be a hair clip or scrunchie the woman both enjoy, a cozy pair of socks. Or it could be something for the baby like a toy, a blanket or even a storybook. Many intended mothers and surrogates collaborate on things like photo albums or scrapbooks that can make the intended mother feel more a part of the pregnancy process. Talk about what activities you might do together to start forming that connection between intended mother and baby before birth. Sound is also a powerful connector. If your surrogate is local. Or if you have regularly scheduled visits, the intended parents can talk to the baby and begin forming a relationship while the child is still in utero. Some intended parents like to play specific songs to their developing babies that they can later play during feeding time, diaper changes and naps with their baby after birth.
Eloise Drane
Another thing to consider is whether the intended parents will have a baby shower, if the surrogate will be present at the baby shower. And if so, how will you jointly focus the attention of the guest to make sure that the intended mother feels included and the surrogate feels respected and appreciated.
Eloise Drane
So far, we’ve talked a lot about what the intended mother and surrogate can do together to help the intended mother bond with baby before birth. But there are other things that intended mothers can do independently to feel connected. For example, many intended mothers choose to keep a journal and write letters to their developing baby throughout the pregnancy. If you’re religious or have a spiritual practice, you may choose to pray or meditate in a way that feels like you’re communicating with or forming an emotional or spiritual bond with your child to be. Ultimately, the most important thing to ask yourself is, what do I feel like I need in order to feel connected to my baby? As the birth draws nearer, it’s important to shift the focus of this question and ask what will my child need in order to feel bonded to me? And the real answer is nothing. Your baby will feel bonded to you because you are his or her parent. And that’s all that matters. But again, I’m going to reiterate the mental and emotional process of dealing with all of this and worrying about whether you and your baby will bond is what we’re actually addressing.
Eloise Drane
At and after birth there are a number of welcome to the world steps that intended parents can be involved in to help symbolically step into the role of the baby’s primary caregiver. For instance, if you have agreed with your surrogate that you will be in the delivery room during the birth you may be able to cut the baby’s umbilical cord. Also, the doctor will need certain sensory checks to be performed ideally by whoever will be bonding with the baby. Oftentimes, this involves laying the baby on the birth gibberish chest, touching the baby’s hands and feet and feeling the baby’s breath. Talk with your doctor and surrogate about who will be involved in these routine but emotionally charged steps. As much as possible, enjoy skin to skin contact with your baby. Not only is this incredibly important to your child’s mental and physical development, but it’s also a primary stimulant of the hormone oxytocin, which is scientifically linked to feelings of emotional connection and bonding.
Eloise Drane
Once you take your newborn home, there will inevitably be challenges. Your baby may cry, have difficulty sleeping, develop acne or a rash or any number of other challenges that are common to babies. It’s important to remember that your child is not fussy or struggling because of the surrogacy or the surrogate. Rather, these are the normal behaviors of any baby. And it’s your job as the parent to be compassionate and provide for your child’s needs.
Eloise Drane
Thank you so much for listening. If you found this episode helpful, please rate Fertility Cafe on your favorite listening platform and share this episode with anyone you think could benefit from hearing it. Thank you so much for joining me today. Until next time, remember, love has no limits. Neither should parenthood
