Hey there. Welcome back to Fertility Cafe. I’m your host Eloise Drane. Welcome to Episode 75 of Fertility Cafe. Naturally, fertility issues are a sensitive subject. Most couples never imagined that they would need to go the route of third party reproduction in order to bring their family dreams to fruition. For many, third party reproduction is a last resort that they enter into feeling like they’re giving their all on the last hope that they have. This means that intended parents are entering into egg donor and surrogacy journeys at a time when they are feeling their most vulnerable and when the most important aspect of their lives is on the line. All of this emotional turmoil can make the idea of having a relationship with a donor or a surrogate feel like too much. While all intended parents are grateful for the role donors and surrogates play in building their family, some intended parents would prefer not to have a relationship with their donors and surrogates after the process is over and the child is born.
Eloise Drane
In this episode, we’ll talk about what donors and surrogates need to understand about this unique family dynamic, and how they can best prepare themselves for the complex relationship ahead. In the second half of the episode, we’ll also talk about some key considerations that intended parents need to keep in mind when deciding what sort of relationship they want to have with their donors and surrogates. So let’s get started.
Eloise Drane
First, let’s get clear about the different types of relationships that could exist. For donors, there are five potential scenarios. One, you donate to an egg bank, and it’s likely you’ll never know who chose your eggs or what came in that process. Two, you work with a clinic or agency that matches you with intended parents through an anonymous or closed donation. Three, you work with a clinical agency that matches you with intended parents through an open or known donation. Four, you donate to someone you know well from your personal life, most commonly a sibling, cousin or close personal friend. And five, you donate to someone you didn’t know previously, but connected independently without the assistance of a third party like a clinic or an agency.
Eloise Drane
For surrogates, there are really only two scenarios. Either you meet intended parents, whether through a clinic, agency or out in the real world like Facebook groups and such who were strangers to you previously. Or you decide to be a surrogate for someone you know, in your personal life. Again, this is most commonly going to be a sibling, cousin, close friend, personal friend, whatever. In either surrogacy scenario, you’re going to be known to your intended parents, there’s no way to be an anonymous surrogate like you might be as an egg donor. For the purposes of this discussion, we’re going to focus on the open, also known as known or direct egg donation scenarios and the surrogacy scenarios.
Eloise Drane
With all of that said, for donors and surrogates, it’s important to understand what this is like for the intended parents, especially if you’re donating to a single woman or a heterosexual couple. It’s common for the woman to feel a sense of competition or jealousy for what you are able to do with your body that she cannot. Can you imagine not being able to produce viable eggs, or not being able to get pregnant, or not being able to carry a pregnancy to term, all while desperately wanting a child and to be a mother? It’s devastating, then to have another woman come into the equation and be able to do what you cannot could be quite uncomfortable. Also, keep in mind that your intended parents want a whole traditional relationship with their child. They want the genetic connection and the bond. However, they may be settling for not having the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, or for not having a genetic connection to their child. So having someone in their lives who does have that connection can feel like it takes something away from their experience as a parent.
Eloise Drane
Of course, these issues are all highly emotional, which means is difficult to reason them away with logic. Until the intended parents sort through their feelings, your presence in their lives may be difficult for them. What’s important to remember is that this has nothing to do with you as a woman, as a donor or as a surrogate, and has everything to do with the intended parents and the emotional roller coaster they’re going through. Next, it’s important to be clear about why you’re doing this in the first place. Although the matching process should help you identify some of the motivations for donating or being a surrogate through your screenings and talks with genetic counselors and psychologists. It’s important for you to do your own self inquiry. Some donors and surrogates find they’re seeking validation, appreciation and some sort of affection or gratitude from the intended parents. Which means that if they don’t get to have a long term relationship with their intended parents after at all, they feel disappointed unappreciated, and perhaps even abandoned.
Eloise Drane
Of course, this isn’t how we want you to feel. My hope is that being a part of a third party reproduction journey is enjoyable and rewarding for everyone involved. So how can you avoid this feeling? The key is to truly understand why you’re donating your eggs or serving as a surrogate. Your intrinsic motivation needs to come from somewhere within you, rather than hinging on the intended parents, and how they treat you. Try to find joy and satisfaction in the fact that you are helping to make a family whole. Regardless of if that family is in your life or keeps you updated over the years. Find joy and satisfaction in the fact that you’re doing something altruistic, and your actions are going to bring a new life into this world. Find joy in satisfaction in the fact that your body is able to do something that other women’s bodies aren’t able to do, and have gratitude for the wonderful body you have. Whatever idea resonates most for you. That’s what I want you to latch on to and remember throughout the entire process. Remember your intrinsic motivation and make sure you can get that joy and validation from yourself rather than relying on it to come from outside of you.
Eloise Drane
I was lucky enough to have three surrogacy journeys, and six egg donation journeys. Although my first egg donation journey was anonymous, my subsequent journeys for egg donation was open. All of my surrogacy journeys were all known. And I had relationships with each one of my intended parents. Unfortunately, for my first set of Intended Parents, after the girls were born, we no longer had a relationship. I wonder about them, I think about how they’re doing, I wonder what they’re doing. I wonder what they look like, I wonder if they’ve reached their milestones. I wonder how well they’re doing in school. All of these things are still in my head, even though I don’t have a relationship with them, and never really have. My second set of intended parents, I still have a relationship with and I still get to find out about how their child is doing and how he’s doing in school and the different things that he’s into. And my third set of intended parents, although we don’t necessarily have a relationship, but we are friends on social media, and I get to see the development of their child and how she’s doing.
Eloise Drane
So it is very different for every single relationship that I’ve had with each set of intended parents. But I’m so happy that I got to do those things. And I don’t regret it one bit, regardless of whatever the outcome was, because I knew that I was doing this Yes, for somebody else, but also for myself. Okay, once you’ve identified your intrinsic motivation, it’s time to make sure that you have an adequate support around you for the journey you’re about to go through. Many egg donors choose not to tell their friends or their families about what they’re doing, which sometimes may leave them feeling lonely throughout the process. While surrogates often can’t or don’t keep their surrogacy a secret, the journey is much longer, and the intended parents may not be around, especially if they aren’t local. So how can you create a support system around you that doesn’t include the intended parents.
Eloise Drane
Even if you can identify just one person in your life, whether it’s a friend or family member or a spouse with whom you can share your journey, talk about why you’re doing this and talk through the ups and downs along the way, you will have a much more enjoyable and emotionally healthy experience. Also, there are many donor and surrogate support groups that you can join to feel a sense of community and sisterhood with other women who have gone through the same process. Facebook groups are a great place to connect with other women, ask questions, share stories and feel supported along the way. Another thing I want you to keep in mind is that your value as a woman has nothing to do with the result of the procedure you’re going through or how others treat you.
Eloise Drane
For donors, whether your egg donation yields one egg or 100, you are still a beautiful soul who is doing a beautiful thing for others, your value and worth are not dependent on your egg production. Similarly, for surrogates, whether you are able to get pregnant during the first implantation or not. And regardless of whether subsequent attempts take, you are still an incredible person worthy of unconditional love and respect. It’s also important to remember that there are so many factors that go into both the egg donation and surrogacy processes. So even if you aren’t able to get pregnant as a surrogate or produce eggs as an egg donor, it may have nothing to do with you and your body. It may be that the drug protocol wasn’t right, or that the embryos just weren’t ready for implantation. There are so many factors at play, and you cannot take all of the responsibility onto your shoulders. Regardless of whether your intended parents showed their gratitude to you or not and regardless of whether your procedure is successful or not, you need to know that you are an amazing woman worthy of everything you desire, love, respect and gratitude included, you are worthy.
Eloise Drane
Finally, keep in mind that things may change along the way. Even if your intended parents are not ready for a relationship right now. They may work through what they’re feeling or change their minds in the future. If you do want to have a relationship with your intended parents in the future, take steps to make sure that that door is open. Keep your clinic, bank or agency up to date on your contact information. Register with the Donor Sibling Registry, and consider leaving a note or card or other form of communication with your intended parents with your contact information in case they or their child wish to contact you in the future. Even if they don’t use it right away, you’ll leave the ball in their court for when the time is right.
Eloise Drane
Being an egg donor or a surrogate is an incredible experience. Of course, there are some things that can sour the experience. And if not having a relationship with the intended parents is one of those for you, there are steps you can take to make sure you’re protecting yourself emotionally and psychologically. If you’re working with an agency, you can also insist that you will only participate in known open donations or matches where the intended parents are open to a long term relationship.
Eloise Drane
Now I want to switch gears here and talk a few things that intended parents need to keep in mind from the very beginning. And specifically when deciding what sort of relationship with their donors or surrogates. First, this is going to be less of an issue with your egg donor because those relationships tend to naturally be shorter and more transactional. However, surrogates are far more likely to want some sort of relationship with their intended parents after everything is done. It’s important to recognize that the majority of surrogates do not want to come to your house and have Christmas dinner with you and be invited to birthday parties and all of that. That’s not what they’re looking for. They just want to know that you and the baby they helped bring into this world are okay and doing well. Remember to consider things from your surrogates perspective. She just carried this child for nine months, she went to medical appointments, her body went through transformations, her friends and family members asked her questions, her children in her family had to also endure going through a surrogacy journey.
Eloise Drane
Your child and your family as a whole, were a very real and daily presence for her for nine months plus. More likely than not, she just wants to know how the baby is doing. Do they meet their milestones? What do they look like on their first birthday? How are they doing? How are they growing up? What are they like? What are their personalities like? Also, it’s natural for your surrogate to feel some form of love for your child, and likely for you as intended parents in your family. Otherwise, she wouldn’t do it. If you carry a child for nine months, regardless of whether it’s yours or not. You are going to love that child. Because how can you not? You can’t just turn it off because now that the baby’s born and the pregnancy is done. Understand that her feelings are natural and not in any way territorial. When surrogates want a relationship with you after the pregnancy is done, it’s not because your surrogate is trying to stake some sort of claim on your child.
Eloise Drane
In fact, often what a surrogate feels after the birth, and if the intended parents don’t want a relationship is more related to a loss of her relationship to you as intended parents rather than to the baby. Of course, she’s going to feel a sense of loss now that the pregnancy is over. But she likely spent a lot of time with you, getting to know you, getting invested in your family and your well being. And unlike a lot of people in her life, she shared a special experience with you that only you and her can understand. To cut off that relationship after the birth can feel like losing a close friend who understood a very unique part of her. A lot of intended parents tend to make assumptions about what a relationship with their surrogate after the birth looks like. That’s normal. But rather than making decisions on those assumptions, talk to your surrogate during the matching process about what her expectations for a relationship are. How much contact does she expect to have? How often would she like updates? You may be surprised by how little she asks for. For example, most surrogates just want to be included on normal updates that you will send to family and friends. For instance, if you’re sending out a holiday card, or a first day of kindergarten announcement to friends and family, think of your surrogate too.
Eloise Drane
Also keep in mind that you don’t have to define your relationship with your surrogate down to the last detail. You just need to have an understanding and an open line of communication about what everyone’s expectations loosely are. Ideally, you’ll be able to talk about these things from the start of the matching process all the way through the surrogacy. By starting these conversations early, you will be better able to match with someone who wants the same type of relationship with you as you do with them from the very beginning. By the time baby is ready to be born. Understand that this is the end of a long journey for your surrogate just as it’s the beginning of a new journey for you. Give her time to say goodbye to the little one she carried in her womb for nine months. Allowing her to do so can be very healing and fulfilling for your surrogate and will absolutely not in any way diminish your parenthood or relationship with your child. Be aware of how you’re feeling. Acknowledge that the situation you’re in is not common, and it’s natural to have some conflicting emotions. Then work through those just as you’ve learned to work through all the other crazy complex things you’ve had to deal with throughout this entire journey.
Eloise Drane
Thank you so much for listening. If you found this episode helpful, please rate Fertility Cafe on your favorite listening platform and share this episode with anyone you think could benefit from hearing it. Thank you so much for joining me today. Until next time, remember, love has no limits. Neither should parenthood
