SPEAKERS
Eloise Drane
Jessica Adams
00:00
Welcome to Fertility Cafe, the home for every conversation exploring alternative family building through IVF, surrogacy, egg, sperm, and embryo donation. Our host Eloise Drane alternates episodes between educational shows, covering specific topics and guest narratives for further insight. For a mastery understanding and confidence in all things, alternative family, subscribe to Fertility Cafe.
Eloise Drane 00:30
Hey there, welcome to Episode 89 of Fertility Café!
In this episode, we’ll be talking with Jessica Adams about her experience as a gestational surrogate and why she chose this path.
There is a lot of different reasons that compel women to want to become surrogates. The common thread is that most will say they love family. And they are grateful for the ability to bring healthy children into the world. It’s a very personal decision. And once a woman embarks on that journey, people will come into her life that will change her forever, not just the new life she is giving. But the intended parents who need her to help them create a family.
My guest on today’s show is a mom of two, who have her completely wrapped around their fingers. She is a two-time surrogate that loves all things family building. I’m very excited to welcome Jessica to the show.
Jessica, thank you so much for joining me today.
Jessica Adams 01:29
Thank you so much for having me.
Eloise Drane 01:30
So we’re just gonna jump right into it. And I would love to start with you sharing your story. And to tell us a little bit of how you came to become a surrogate.
Jessica Adams 01:43
I was adopted by my grandparents when I was about 13 years old. So I’ve always been in the world, I guess, of this whole fertility, you know, issue world journey from a really young age. And I have a gay uncles who have been together since the 80s. And always took me in it’s kind of like a child of their own because they couldn’t, at that time adopt or, you know, surrogacy was definitely out of the question for them, not only financially, but you know, in the 80s. So they kind of just put me in at their own. Fast forward to after we had our fun, my husband and I, we weren’t really sure on yeah, do we want to have another one, we’re happy with the one that we have. And I just kept feeling this tug on my heart, you know, my uncle had just taken such good care of me, they brought me under their wing, I’d really, really like to do this for somebody else to carry for somebody else that have these parts that God gave me that work. So let me use this kind of out on a ministry in my own way. So I reached out to you guys, you know, did a lot of research and just loved everything that you guys were about. And like the first call that I ever had, I was really adamant. I’ll want to do this for you know, two men, a gay couple was just laid on my heart. Sure enough, we were matched with a, you know, a wonderful couple, you know, my husband, and I love to them and had a wonderful journey. And then we decided after that journey was over, okay, maybe we do want one more of our own. And we had Charlotte and I just kept feeling this tug on my heart again, we were like, we’re 100% done with our own family. No questions. So we were like, you know, I really want to experience this again. felted again, and called you guys back up and said, I’d love to do another journey. And sure enough, matched with some amazing intended parents again, and really blossomed into a really beautiful relationship. I think, this go around, I have a really special bond with this set of intended parents. And we had a wonderful journey, like I said, again, you know, uncomplicated, really magical experience, I would say this time around.
Eloise Drane 04:11
Awesome! Obviously, surrogacy is a big undertaking, as we both know. And I feel like making sure that in the beginning, it’s a good fit, when it’s time to, you know, match with your intended parents is really important. How did you decide an IP was right for you?
Jessica Adams 04:33
I think it was different both times. And I think that just comes from knowing the process. The second time around, I was little more clear on exactly what I wanted. So the first time like I said, I knew I wanted to do it for two gay men just for personal reasons. I kind of wanted to give back to the world and, and, show how thankful I was for that and give two men the opportunity. I knew that I wanted them to be involved, didn’t know in what level because I had never done this before, you know, for someone else. So I really went in to the first journey with kind of an open mind with the only thing I wanted was it to be two men. The second time around, I was really adamant about a relationship, and I really wanted to build a community and one of them to be very involved and have more of a friendship, you know, when it was over. So I knew, you know, you just learned so much going through the journey. And that’s what I would suggest to any surrogate to really dive into what your expectations are. And of course, those things change over time, you know, but have come clear set boundaries. And same thing with intended parents, you know, if you have things that are really important to you don’t jump on the first surrogate or set of intended parents to just, you know, wait it out. And I think it makes for more comfortable journeys for everybody in such a beautiful experience when both parties kind of get what they need out of the journey.
Eloise Drane 06:01
What do you think, though, are realistic versus unrealistic expectations when it comes to you know, becoming a surrogate?
Jessica Adams 06:08
So, all people and all things are so asked that I wanted to really, really involved. So, I think it’s on both sides, you can’t expect someone to call every day or kind of micromanage either party. Or, also, I think, for a surrogate, you have to understand the intended parents point of view and how navigating this journey and emotions probably will change and kind of going through that with each other. And I think maybe finding good personality, which you guys are really good at doing. So, like finding good personalities to help navigate those feelings and those hills that you will climb together, just know that things are ever changing. I think that be adaptable, just like you are in life. I mean, that’s the way that I live and try to teach my children to live, you know, I try not to have too many expectations on anything, because, you know, things are going to change. And that’s okay.
Eloise Drane 07:04
That is for sure. And when it came to the agency, how did you determine which agency was right for you?
Jessica Adams 07:12
So it came down to, you know, just a gut feeling in the end, but things that were important to me, I wanted an agency that I felt was ethical on both sides, you know, you kind of get a red flag, when you see agencies that have like a really high compensation or, you know, things that you feel like they’re drawing you in or your qualifications, they’ll just qualify, you know, anybody’s qualified was just not the case. I feel like agencies need to do their due diligence on screening surrogates and intended parents alike at the beginning stages. So, for me, it was doing a lot of research beforehand about I know you guys are very, very good job of screening the surrogates, I wanted to feel like, you know, the agency was going to have my back, but as well as the intended parents, and we were all in this together. Another thing was somebody would be really approachable. And if I needed something at different hours of the day because you know, babies have lots of their own when they’re going to come. So, you know, being really accessible, you know, really not a 9 to 5 kind of thing. So, I really appreciated that I could get in touch with you guys whenever I needed to.
Eloise Drane 08:23
Thank you. I appreciate that. And I think too, that a lot of people don’t realize that when you do surrogacy, it’s not just about you, your family is involved as well. So, would you mind kind of sharing your husband’s perspective about surrogacy when you first brought this to him? What his thoughts were?
Jessica Adams 08:45
Sure, I’ll start with saying that my husband is very supportive of anything and everything that I do. So, I have such an amazing husband. Yeah. And his main concern is always safety for me, is this going to put me in any sort of danger? And what are the risks? And is this going to make me happy, so he is so supportive, and I just laid out how important it was to me and how I felt this was put on my heart to help somebody else. And he was very supportive from the beginning. And it is, you know, there were days that, like in any pregnancy, he had to take care of the kids by himself or you have a scare where you need to go to the hospital, you think you’re in labor, and he has to take me there, he has to leave work early, you know, to keep the kids for appointments. I mean, it is it’s truly a family affair. And you really need to talk about that and talk about things that could happen because things could happen, you know, that are not so good. So talk through those things with your spouse and really walk through those scenarios.
Eloise Drane 09:46
Now I know your children are younger, but how or did you share about surrogacy to them and obviously age appropriate of course. But how do you share with your children that you are, you know, a surrogate and you’re carrying for someone else? And this baby’s not coming on with you?
Jessica Adams 10:05
Yeah. So, the first time, you know, like I said, Daniel was very, very young, he had no idea what was going on. So, I really didn’t have that conversation. But he’s older now and definitely has questions. And you know, I think we have been very open with him age appropriate about how babies come to the, to the earth and just really sat down and he met my second set of intended parents on a zoom call where, you know, like I said, tell them we would be friends. Either way, we, you know, whether there’s or not. So, he has been a part of this journey from the beginning, and just said, you know, we’re gonna two daddies can’t make a baby on their own. So they need a little help and you know, mommy is gonna, gonna have this baby for them. And, and then we’re going to, you know, give the baby back when it’s done growing. And he just like, okay, you know, it’s so funny children have maybe a few questions, and then you just spell it out to him. And they’re like, Okay, and they move on, you know, it’s, but I think it’s building blocks of, you know, from his whole life, we’ve been kind of just dropping these little, little eggs of how things work and how families are built in different ways,
Eloise Drane 11:19
Which I think is significant, because this world is changing. And no two families are alike, and being able to educate our children from young so that it’s not a shock. It’s not like, Oh, my God, what do you mean? It’s like, that’s the world it’s diverse. It doesn’t look always the same as yours in it, nor will it ever always look the same as yours. I mean, I remember when I did my surrogacy, pregnancy, you know, my youngest was the first time was too small. The only thing that he kept doing the whole time I was pregnant, was trying to remove my belly because he couldn’t snuggle up. Yeah, like he used to comfortably so he would try to move and he would, you know, get upset that he couldn’t move the stomach. But the second time around, of course, I now he’s understanding. And I pretty much was like, well, you know, sometimes, people’s mom’s bellies are broken. And some people don’t have bellies at all. And a baby has to grow in a belly. And mommy’s belly does work. And so we’re just going to do this. And I made sure I said, we, not me, it’s a we thing. We’re going to do this for somebody else. Because then it also gave him a sense of joy and happiness and all the things to the point when we were at a grocery store. And the lady was like, oh, you know, congratulations. How far along are you? And before I could even open my mouth, he was like, oh, no, that’s so and so’s baby. It’s not my mommy’s baby. Their belly is broken. And my mommy’s belly is not broken. And so she’s having their baby for, and the lady’s mouth was literally like, wide open.
Jessica Adams 13:08
Yeah, yes! They’ll, kids will say everything they know.
Eloise Drane 13:11
That’s right. That’s right. That’s right. But if we normalize it, it will be normal to them. If you make it something dirty then that’s what’s the what is going to, you know, kind of be in their minds as well. So, yeah, let’s talk about your actual pregnancy and kind of the process of going through all of the medications and then finally, knowing that you’re pregnant, and then going through the pregnancy itself, what was your experience like?
Jessica Adams 13:38
My experience was great, you know, you hear a lot of horror stories in pregnancy, period. And you know, everybody’s journey is different. And I’d say this to anyone, surrogacy is not for everybody because not everybody experiences pregnancy the same. And I will say, as I’ve gotten older, each pregnancy has gotten harder. So, as you raise 30 It’s like yes, my body is done with carrying babies. But my first journey the medication was really nothing I had to do just a few shots I didn’t have to do any intramuscular injections at all I got so lucky with that. So, medication was a breeze and didn’t have any kind of reaction or anything and I’ve gone into both of my journeys with the mindset this is going to work. Because I believe your mind is such a powerful tool. I’ve had long conversations with my second intended father about you know we had this keep our mind right and in our heart just keep saying putting out to the world this is going to work and I have and that’s how I’ve gone through both and praise that they both did they took the first time it’s funny my, my, first journey it’s been, been, a while so hard to remember. But I think I tested again at like they say 5 days I think I waited to test and was super excited. But my second time around. I was like I can’t wait I can’t wait so they It was like day three, I was like, let me just test and just see what, if anything will show up, you know? And sure enough it did, I got a positive test. And I was like, I have to, I have to, can I call you? You know, can I call you? It was pretty late at night. And you were like yes, yes. And we have a positive, you know, it’s faint but we have a positive. And I think the chances of that actually happening and showing up is very rare. So both journeys, and you know, I’ve just said through the whole pregnancy, like, this is going to be good. You know, I’m, I’m so thankful that we are even this far as we’ve gotten along, and, you know, very faith based and just put it in God’s hands and knew that he was going to walk us through this journey, because this is where he brought me, so he was gonna cover me and keep me and the baby safe. And he did. And, you know, both of the deliveries were wonderful and super, super easy, especially this last one, we went in for the induction, and I didn’t feel anything, because I got, you know, we started medication, and then got the epidural. And I was like, I don’t even feel like they had a baby because I didn’t feel any contractions. It was super quick, super easy.
Eloise Drane 16:12
That’s the best kind.
Jessica Adams16:13
Yeah! And we just laughed and talked and, you know, through the entire thing, and it was such a special moment when, you know, we didn’t know the gender, the entire pregnancy, and then just finding out together, and then them staying in the room after we just stayed together for hours and just said over and over again, how thankful we were for each other and this journey, and it was just, it’s beautiful. And it’s one of those things, you know, when I tell people, people ask, like, why, why did you want to be a surrogate? And really, the only thing I can ask is why, why, would I not want to? I mean, you know, that that is really the question. Such a beautiful experience. And I feel like people are put on this earth to do certain things. And that is what I was put on this earth to do was to help bring 2 lives into this world that are going to be wonderful people one day, and then help two families grow. And, you know, and to also use this as a tool to teach my children, you know, how to help others and to be selfless. And that things look different than, than what people think is the norm, and that is okay.
Eloise Drane 17:23
Yeah, definitely. Oh, God, I couldn’t agree with you more. How was it during the pregnancy when the parents were coming in the room with you? And then at delivery and then being present? I mean, you know, I know for myself, I was like, I don’t care. But you know, some other people are modest, or whatever. What was your experience?
Jessica Adams 17:45
Yeah, so I’m that way. I’m like an open book. You know, I’m one of those, like, bring all of the students in and learn on me, because I’ve just always been that way. You know, it’s so funny. Yeah, I’m just one of those type of people who don’t mind at all, it was really important for me, for them to be there. And for them, to see it and be a part of the experience, because it is, and it’s a beautiful thing, going through this journey, and seeing all of the things there is to see. Now, I know, that’s not the same way for everybody. And that’s why I think it’s really important to find parents and surrogates who will feel the same way and still the same level of comfort, when it comes to that area. And for a surrogate to really think about that before going into it. You know, I think it’s one thing to say you’re comfortable, and then you get to the ends, and then there you’re on the stirrups and you’re really not and then it’s not okay. I think at that point that didn’t say, you know, to think about it at that point, I think it’s important to think about at the beginning to say what am I really comfortable with? Because it is it’s a very humbling experience. But for me personally, I was very, very adamant this time that I wanted somebody to kind of walk this walk with me and you know, to be pregnant with it’s funny, my intended father, I know I’m sure that it seems like we would have the same cravings or if I was craving because then he’d want to get the same thing and eat it. You know, it was definitely an experience that we were walking in together.
Eloise Drane 19:17
Which is amazing. That’s, that’s, exactly how you want your journey to be. There are a lot of misconceptions out there about surrogacy, what are some of the misconceptions you found people have in your experience?
Jessica Adams 19:30
I think one of the biggest is that surrogates do it for the money. You know, that’s always the first question that you get is like, oh, how much are you being paid to do this? I tell people it’s less than a minimum wage job. If you were to just write it all out. That is not why people do this. If you look at the risk, it’s just you can’t go into this solely to for the money. Just not comparable. I feel like you really do have to have this put on your heart and this has to be kind of a calling for you to do. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions. I think, also that it’s my child, I get that all the time, it was like, I don’t know how you could give your baby away. I don’t think a lot of people know that. With gestational surrogacy, it’s not really the baby is not biologically related to you at all. You know, so it’s not, you go into it, knowing that it belongs to the parent. And that I had zero attachment at all, you know, either, either time after the baby was born. So, I think that those two things are some of the biggest misconception, and also that all of the intended parents are just in it to use somebody, I don’t think that that’s the case, I think, especially with you guys vetting the intended parents, and, you know, having that mutual respect for each other. And knowing that they’re not just using, it’s not baby selling, you’re not just using a woman for her for her oven, you’re creating those relationships and walking through that together. And, you know, two families helping each other because there’s financial benefit for the surrogate, which is okay, there’s, you know, having that benefit for both parties is important. I think in keeping that balance.
Eloise Drane 21:10
What would you say to people who say that women are exploited when they become surrogates?
Jessica Adams 21:16
I think they can be in some aspects. I think that’s why it’s very important for the surrogate to have the knowledge and to be able to advocate for themselves in that situation. Because there are I mean, in anything, there are people who are going to be exploited, because they’re not knowledgeable on the process, or they can’t advocate for themselves. So, I think that is, the biggest thing going into a journey is these women need to know and to recognize when they are being taken advantage of. And so, they can walk away from that situation.
Eloise Drane 21:50
Yes, for sure. Because I, I’ve heard stories of, I recently heard a story of groups out there who were recruiting women who’ve never actually carried a pregnancy before. Wow. And then they’ll just take it on a case-by-case basis, there should be no case-by-case basis, it should be a no, period. And then discussion, like you said earlier, there’s just some that you don’t qualify to be a surrogate, and that should be okay. It’s not going to be for everybody. And being able to do this is one of the most amazing, selfless gifts that anybody can do for any human being. But at the same time, there’s also where you just don’t, you don’t qualify. And, and that should be okay, you know, there’s another other ways that you can help others. So, what would you say to someone who is considering becoming a surrogate? Where would you tell her to start like, where would you tell her, or what rather, would you tell her to do?
Jessica Adams 23:09
I think the first thing I would do is, of course, have a talk with your immediate family, anybody that’s going to be involved, kind of get everybody on the same page of the risks. And once everybody is on the same page there. Do a lot of research on just the journey and the process. And what that looks like for other people, I would want, you know, I watched a ton of YouTube videos, I mean, probably every YouTube video the a surrogate had ever made, you know, of everybody walking through the journey. And then I would go, you know, you have to be wary of Facebook pages sometimes. But I would go on those Facebook groups, and just watch, you know, engage, ask questions, use the search function of the good, the bad, the ugly, so just so you’re informed on those things and as much as you can be, and also the medication makes sure that you know the risks of the medication that you’re going to be taking. And then I would start doing research on different agencies. They’re not all ethical, so go through what they stand for, you know, do they have, do they just accept all surrogates? What are their requirements? And start talking to those if you have a few, you know, narrow it down, and then really reflect on what you’re looking for, why you want to do this journey.
Eloise Drane 24:26
What about a for someone who’s just looking for the highest compensation out there?
Jessica Adams 24:32
I think that, I think like I said, agencies sometimes will tell you that, you know, they’ll just put a big number on their website, but it when you break it down, that’s really not what you’re gonna get. You know, there’s so many things that go into this. I think a good reputable agency who has both parties in mind will be you will be compensated fairly, and I think intended parents You know, feel like they want to compensate you fairly. I think it’s kind of like I said, it’s kind of a, they want it to feel like an even exchange everybody involved to feel good about the situation. So, I would say do not always go for the one that may have a high, you know, base compensation on their website, because there’s always broken down into different categories. So, it will not be what, what you think it is, there’s always a loophole somewhere, you know?
Eloise Drane 25:28
Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Any final words to share?
Jessica Adams 25:34
I think my final word would be for anybody that is thinking about this, or you feel this, this tug on your heart, you know, and you ask yourself, well, why would I do this? Just turn that question around and ask why wouldn’t I do this? You know, I mean, what’s holding you back from helping someone else? Because it is, is a beautiful experience, and you can’t really even put it into words. You know, it’s truly magical, you know, in that moment, and being able to, you know, to work so hard to grow something you know, and you spend so much time and energy and, you know, pain and suffering, you know, that pregnancy can be and then in that moment, you know, you see the parents and it’s just other worldly. So, I would encourage anyone who qualifies and, to really look into it and dive into it. And, and yeah, it’s a beautiful thing.
Eloise Drane 26:27
Well, thank you so much, Jessica, for being on the show with me today. I appreciate it.
Jessica Adams 26:32
Thank you.
Eloise Drane 26:35
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Tune in next week for another amazing episode on Fertility Cafe.
Until then, remember, “love has no limits – neither should parenthood.”
