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Welcome to Fertility Cafe, the home for every conversation exploring alternative family building through IVF, surrogacy, egg, sperm, and embryo donation. Our host Eloise Drane alternates episodes between educational shows, covering specific topics and guest narratives for further insight. For a mastery understanding and confidence in all things, alternative family, subscribe to Fertility Cafe.
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Hey there, welcome to Episode 90 of Fertility Cafe. I’m your host, Eloise Drane.
This episode is all about becoming a surrogate, and the importance of discussing your decision with loved ones and colleagues. It’s a significant undertaking that requires selflessness and mindfulness. Not only will it impact the intended parents, but also your own family and emotional well-being. I’ll share tips on how to approach this conversation, why it’s a crucial step in the journey, and what you can do to ensure a supportive environment throughout the process. If you’re considering surrogacy or already on this path, this episode contains valuable insights to guide you through this sensitive subject of telling your family, friends, and employer. So, let’s get into it.
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If you’re married or live with a partner, they should be the most important person on your support team. Getting them on board is critical in a surrogacy journey for many reasons, one of which can be a possible deal breaker if they’re not on board.
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There are a few tips on how to approach this subject with your significant other. As with any big conversation, it’s best to be prepared to talk and listen as well. Explain your motivation; whether this is something you’ve been thinking about for a long time, or something you’re newly interested in, talk to your partner about your motivation for wanting to become a surrogate. For most surrogates, the desire to take this journey is connected to their passion and values. For me, I can say that having children has been the biggest joy of my life. I can’t imagine if I were unable to experience that. There are not too many other roles that you can have in this world that will have such a life-changing effect on somebody’s life like that. A big part of tackling difficult conversations is communicating clearly and directly. So be clear about how you feel and what you want. Try planning beforehand what you want to say. Educate them on how surrogacy works. If you have contacted an agency, you can share some of what you learned about the process. Or if there is an agency you like, suggest making an appointment so the two of you can ask questions about the process and the timeline. Discuss what kind of support is offered and what kind of compensation you might expect to receive. Timing is important. With a weighted conversation it’s best to pick a good time when you both are feeling relaxed and calm. Address their concerns and broaching this important topic, you’ve just presented your partner with a lot of information; they may have questions, comments, and confusion about. In this case, it’s important they feel heard. What are their worries, fears, and doubts? Be a good listener, don’t talk over them. address their concerns. It’s always important to validate your partner’s experience, whatever that may be.
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If they’re skeptical, or generally opposed to the idea of you becoming a surrogate address any misconceptions they may have. Once you’ve shared all the relevant information, let them sit with it for a minute. You’ve just addressed a relatively heavy topic and you may have caught your significant other by surprise. Though surrogacy feels like an exciting prospect for you. It’s important that you let them take the time to process this concept. Ask questions and just pause for a bit before they come to any kind of decision. And if they’re feeling overwhelmed, thank them for listening and let them know you don’t need them to decide anything right at that moment. And a follow up conversation, you can talk about the kind of support you will need during your surrogacy journey. For example, if you handle a larger share of the childcare mentioned that there may need to be a shift in responsibilities. There will be times during the course of the pregnancy when you need a little help with the kids and there will be doctor’s appointments and other occasions that arise when alternate childcare may be needed. If you’re in a hetero partnership, explain to your significant other that there will be a brief period prior to pregnancy where you need to abstain from sex. Make sure there are no surprises, and you cover all the ground when it comes to any possible aspects of surrogacy that will affect your relationship and family life.
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If your partner still feels doubtful and skeptical about you wanting to pursue surrogacy, see if you can shift their perspective. Remind them of your passion and exploring this path, expand their worldview by connecting with other surrogates who can share what the experience was like. Encourage your significant other to have empathy for intended parents who are unable to conceive children of their own. I actually have the big conversation with my husband, check out Episode 12, where we get real about how that went. He was kind enough to make a guest appearance on Fertility Cafe to share what his reaction was, what his objectives were and how he was able to shift his perspective. Once he saw how important this was to me and once he had a full picture of what was involved. If you’re a single person going through surrogacy, it’s important to remember that going through surrogacy single is not synonymous with going through surrogacy alone. As a single parent, you likely already had a tight support network. Perhaps your parents or relatives take an active role in helping you with childcare. Maybe you have friends or a group of trusted neighbors, helping you meet the challenges of modern single parenting whom you have claimed as your tribe. It’s not important what your support network looks like. But it is important that you have a strong one that you can count on.
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Your need for support is no different than someone living with the significant other. So, you will want to reach out to your people. Let them know you’ve decided to become a surrogate and ask for their support.
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This can include needing childcare so that you will be able to attend required appointments related to your surrogacy journey. If you need to go out of town for a few days, can someone cover childcare? Can your support system be relied upon to step up if your doctor orders bed rest? Who will be your support system during delivery for you, your children, etc. These are conversations and important details to work out in advance and beyond the childcare support, think about the emotional support you will want. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Your hormones during pregnancy will cause you to experience waves of emotion. You’re dealing with a lot coordinating with doctors and the intended parents, not to mention physical symptoms and challenges related to pregnancy. There may be tough times to get through and having that emotional support makes all the difference. Sharing your journey with your children can be a beautiful experience. Approach conversations about surrogacy with children openly and honestly so they understand what’s going on. If you’re concerned about how they may react, keep in mind that kids are naturally pretty open-minded and receptive to new ideas. So, their adaptability may surprise you. The sooner you talk about the surrogacy experience, the more natural it will feel to everyone. Open conversations go a long way in normalizing nontraditional paths to parenthood. It’s important that you use age-appropriate language so everyone from a toddler to a teenager understands what’s happening. Answer their questions in a way that gives context and meaning to the situation. And be sure to clear up any confusion. Just as some grown-ups need clarification on exactly how the process works. Your child may be curious as well. Start the conversation by explaining the problem and why you decided to help describe how you are able to have a baby for the intended parent or parents and talk about how they’re really glad you’re willing to help them have a family. Remember that kids, especially teens can be a bit self-involved. They’ll want to know how this is going to impact their world. So, you can cover all of that by explaining exactly how this is going to work. And reassure them that carrying a child for someone else, by no means impacts your love and devotion for them. And be honest and transparent. Respect your kids by honoring their curiosity about the situation. They may make assumptions or have confusion as to whether you are going to be this baby’s mother. They may ask how you and the intended parents met? Answer their questions in age-appropriate ways that are relatable and digestible for them. While they may be curious to hear the facts, at the heart of their question is some emotion. They may be experiencing confusion, fear, sadness, or need to feel understood, safe, or comforted. By explaining these clearly, you will ease their concerns and make them comfortable with your choice to become a surrogate. Take advantage of resources available to you. There are great books about surrogacy like The Kangaroo Pouch. There are books about LGBTQ+ parenting journeys, as well as books about different kinds of families, like Recipes of How Babies Are Made. And The Very Kind Koala, a Surrogacy Story.
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If kids aren’t confused or embarrassed about how to talk about surrogacy at school, or with their friend group, help them out with some simple language that explains the problem and how you are able to help another person or couple build their family. It’s a great teaching moment to share with friends and classmates that there are different ways to start a family. And sometimes people need help. If you’re in a surrogacy journey with same-sex parents is not only shows the larger community that there are all different kinds of modern families, but it paves the way for acceptance. Including kids in the entire pregnancy from the hint of a bump to a big round belly with a kicking squirming baby makes them feel like they’re part of the journey. Kids understand about babysitting, so you can use this as a concept. Tell them that you’re all helping babysit the intended parents’ baby. Chances are any confusion or upset feelings kids are having well dissipate when they feel included in the experience. There are no better teachable parenting moments when you can model the kind of behavior you would like to see your kids adopt. Acceptance, tolerance, and generosity are qualities your kids can grasp when they see how your actions affect those around you. If you’re in a situation where you have a close relationship with the intended parents, including your entire family can be a really enriching, beautiful experience. Seeing how you change people’s lives, both when you carry their baby and afterward, when a new child becomes part of their family will leave a lasting impression on your kids. Other family members and friends can be a great source of support if you reach out early on and let them know about your choice to become a surrogate, just as you did with your partner and with your kids. Start by explaining your motivation. Talk about how much you love being a mom and how fulfilling it feels for you to be able to give the gift to someone else. Hopefully they will be supportive of your journey.
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If your family is hesitant, help them understand by addressing any misconceptions and answering their questions. It’s important to remember not everyone is familiar with the surrogacy process like you are, think back to before your decision to become a surrogate, when you may have had similar questions. Educating your loved ones will help generate enthusiasm for your announcement. Proactively ask for their encouragement and support, letting them know how much it means to you. If they still have skepticism, try to see things from their point of view. It’s possible they were brought up in another way or have prior beliefs they can overcome. They may eventually come to understand, but it’s also possible they won’t. In those cases, it’s helpful to accept their feelings rather than take it personally.
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And be prepared to field insensitive or ignorant questions because this can happen. Again, try not to take it personally. But if someone says something insensitive, you can let them know that it hurts your feelings, and you don’t appreciate it. Inquisitive questions are fine, but prying and demanding information is not okay. So be clear on your boundaries. Your relatives may have questions about the intended parents you’re caring for. And while it’s natural for them to be curious, it’s important to prioritize your intended parents’ privacy. Remember to respect the trust that they’ve placed in you. The last thing you’d want is to unintentionally share private information about them without their consent.
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Becoming a surrogate may involve a challenging process for taking time off for a surrogacy pregnancy. Given that the child you’re carrying is not biologically related to you, it’s reasonable to be concerned about how your employer will perceive your decision and manage your time off. However, as this is an entirely personal decision, you are under no obligation to share any details beyond what you are comfortable with. Some surrogates even choose to withhold information about their surrogacy and only provide notice for maternity leave advisedly it is best to inform your employer of your pregnancy to ensure that necessary arrangements are made for your absence. How you navigate surrogacy in the workplace depends on several factors, including your work environment and work culture, as well as your relationship with your employer and colleagues. With such complexity, having an open discussion with your employer can be tricky, and knowing how much information to share requires discretion. The timing and approach of this conversation will vary depending on your individual circumstances and your relationship with your employer. Many surrogates opt to wait until their pregnancy is confirmed or until after their second trimester before informing their employer. This approach can help to avoid the awkwardness and potential complications of having to disclose any miscarriages or field transfers.
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Regardless of whether you choose to disclose this information, it’s crucial to ensure that you provide your employer with the necessary details about your pregnancy. This includes your due date, your plans for taking leave, and any accommodations that you may require. Providing this information will help your employer to plan accordingly and ensure a smooth transition during your absence. As the pregnancy progresses, you’ll need to determine benefits and time off. Although you’ll have to take maternal leave for your delivery and recovery. The advantage of being a surrogate is that you can typically returned to work sooner than if you have given birth to your own child. Since you won’t be responsible for taking care of a newborn, many surrogates are able to return to their jobs within a few weeks or less. However, it’s crucial to prioritize your body’s needs and avoid rushing back to work before you’re physically and mentally prepared. If you’ve had a C section, be sure to follow your doctor’s orders and don’t overexert yourself. In regards to your eligibility for paid maternity leave, it will depend on your employer’s policy. It’s important to have a detailed conversation with your company’s human resources department to understand the benefits available to you. If you have informed your employer about your surrogacy pregnancy, you should also discuss how it impacts these benefits. Depending on the size of your company, you may be entitled to up to 12 weeks of unpaid protective leave after giving birth as mandated by federal law.
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Your surrogacy contract should include any expected loss wages that you or your partner may experience during the surrogacy journey. The intended parents are responsible for reimbursing you for any such lost income.
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When it comes to your coworkers, remember that you always have the right to share as much or as little information about your surrogacy as you feel comfortable with. It’s really your call. However, if you’re concerned about insensitive or uncomfortable comments and questions, you may choose to get out ahead of that and address the surrogacy with the people you work with. You should be aware that choosing to talk about the pregnancy without mentioning it is a surrogacy journey can bring about possible awkward situations, such as a surprise baby shower. If you feel comfortable doing so you can use this as an opportunity to educate your colleagues and raise awareness about the surrogacy process. You can answer their questions.
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Talking about surrogacy is a big conversation. No matter who you’re discussing it with positivity, honesty and transparency, go a long way in letting people know where you’re coming from. They may really appreciate that you’re asking them to share in this family-building journey with you, in which case, it’s going to end up enriching all of your lives.
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Thank you so much for listening. If you found this episode helpful, please rate Fertility Cafe on your favorite listening platform and share this episode with anyone you think could benefit from hearing it.
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Tune in next week for another amazing episode on Fertility Cafe.
Until then, remember, “love has no limits – neither should parenthood.”
