SPEAKERS
Eloise Drane
Charlie and Tom Farrant
00:00
Welcome to Fertility Cafe, the home for every conversation exploring alternative family building through IVF, surrogacy, egg, sperm, and embryo donation. Our host Eloise Drane alternates episodes between educational shows, covering specific topics and guest narratives for further insight. For a mastery understanding and confidence in all things, alternative family, subscribe to Fertility Cafe.
Eloise Drane 00:00
Hey there, welcome to Episode 93 of Fertility Cafe.
In this episode, we’ll be talking about what it’s like for intended parents from abroad to navigate third-party reproduction within the U.S. When it comes to paid surrogacy other than the United States only a few countries allow it. As a result, there’s an increasing flow of hopeful parents coming to the U.S. from various parts of the world seeking third-party reproduction options.
Joining me today are new parents Charlie and Tom Farrant, who will share what their family-building journey was like. Starting out at home in the U.K. where paid surrogacy is not allowed. We talk about their experience first navigating infertility issues, coping with the attitudes surrounding third-party reproduction in the U.K., and then investigating how they might pursue having a baby via surrogacy in the States. Charlie and Tom are a couple from the U.K. living with their six-month-old son Bertie. Born in South Carolina via surrogate, Tom works as a pilot and Charlie is a registered dietitian and blogger at therunnerbeans.com.
Well, thank you, Charlie, and Tom, for joining me. I really appreciate it.
Charlie Farrant 01:43
Thanks for having us.
Eloise Drane 01:45
I’d love to start with your story. Can you give us a little background on your family building journey.
Charlie Farrant 01:51
So, I have something called MRKH, which is a condition that means my uterus didn’t develop properly. And so, we’ve always known that we were going to be going down the surrogacy route. And we were very lucky to have a successful surrogacy journey last year and have a six-month-old little boy.
Eloise Drane 02:13
Did you start though, your process? So obviously, the intro, you’re in the U.K.? But did you start your process in the U.K., like how did it evolve to come into the U.S?
Charlie Farrant 02:28
Yeah, so we did our IVF or embryo creation in the U.K., we did it during COVID. So, we probably would have done it all in the U.S. just for kind of ease if we had had that opportunity. But given travel bans, we did it in the U.K. and then had our embryos shipped over to the U.S.
Eloise Drane 02:48
So why not have done surrogacy in the U.K?
Tom Farrant 02:51
Two main reasons why we didn’t do it in the U.K. I mean we always knew from the outset, Charlie have done a lot of research on it more than I had, we always knew that we were going to go and do it in the U.S. And the two main reasons was for one that Charlie in the U.K., Charlie would never be on the birth certificate as the mother, they would always be the surrogate, whereas in the U.S., you can get the birth certificate changed. And two for sort of security reasons, that I mean, very unlikely that it would happen. But it could that the surrogate in the U.K., once given birth, could turn around and keep the child. Whereas in the U.S., she could do in the U.S., but there’s a contract drawn up. And we could sue her for doing that.
Charlie Farrant 03:35
Well, that sounds really horrible. But there’s more protection for us in the U.S. having a contract. And I also feel like there’s more protection for the surrogate. There’s lawyers involved. There’s, there’s agencies like yourself that look after both, both, sets of people that are involved in this journey. In the U.K., it’s much more secretive, it’s much more on your own, it’s much more like, I just feel it’s not supported, it’s not as protected. And yet ultimately, being on the birth certificate being Bertie’s mother was really important to me. Whereas in the U.K., you can, you can get them, you’d get a second birth certificate rather than getting the birth certificate saying my name.
Eloise Drane 04:17
So, in the U.K., so there’s no legal framework that protects you as the parents and then also the surrogate. So, there’s, there’s, nothing like that there?
Charlie Farrant 04:26
So, they, there’s just been a Law Review Commission or Law Commission review, who have suggested some changes to the law. But no at the moment, it’s all altruistic, altruistic. There’s no contracts in place. There’s no it’s all just a kind of handshake. And the mother and even with these low commission changes, the birth mother can change her mind up to six weeks post birth. Yeah. I just wouldn’t, crazy family, childbirth, pregnancy is stressful enough wanting a healthy happy baby. And obviously a healthy happy birth mother that I just wouldn’t want this looming over me for 10 months, 11 months, the end of all of this, is my genetic child actually going to be handed over to me or not?
Eloise Drane 05:20
Right, right, right. So, what is the attitudes I guess of people in the U.K., like what, just curious around them sort of surrounding third-party, what is the attitude there? I know you mentioned it was more secretive, and so on, but
Tom Farrant 05:39
Hardly spoken about.
Charlie Farrant 05:40
No. And I feel like it’s a lot more done within families. Because of this, you’re not allowed to advertise that you’re looking for a surrogate or that you are willing to be a surrogate. So, it’s all done in these like underground little Facebook groups, which I got invited to one and left pretty quickly afterwards, you have to go to these networking events where people introduce you or you have to do it’s like speed dating, whereas I feel like the process in the U.S. was a more personalized matchmaking service. But the other thing in the U.K. is that because it’s not really talked about, people have no idea our friends, our family could not believe the legal, the lack of legal protection here. And the fact that they’re, you know that we’ve had to still go through so many hoops, getting Bertie to be accepted as our child in the U.K. Like we had to go to High Court in London to get our birth order. Our parental order. Yeah.
Eloise Drane 06:46
So, when you got home with your child, that you still have to go through another process in the U.K.?
Charlie and Tom Farrant 06:55
We are still not done. We still don’t have his British birth certificate. Yeah.
Tom Farrant 06:57
And he’s over six months old now. He has a U.S. passport. He has a U.K. passport. We’ve looked after him since he was born.
Charlie Farrant 07:05
We had to get a social worker had to come in, assess us in our house and see Bertie. We had to go, we had to instruct more lawyers here. We had to go to the High Court and have a judge sign off again. Even though we had all the paperwork from the U.S. actually had to fill out more paperwork. It’s crazy.
Eloise Drane 07:27
And so, it didn’t matter that you guys are the biological parents. None of that is even relevant.
Tom Farrant 07:34
I had to do a DNA test to prove that he was mine. It hasn’t caught up. Yeah. So far behind. Yeah, we’ve got a U.S. birth certificate. As I said, he had his
Charlie Farrant 07:46
Yeah, if we’d have been just living in the U.S. and had had Bertie, naturally, we wouldn’t have had to do it, you know, we would have come back with our birth certificate. And it would have been done.
Tom Farrant 07:59
Done, it would be finished, nobody would have said anything.
Charlie Farrant 08:02
And it adds another layer of admin, stress, cost. But it still, I still think the whole process was easier and less stressful doing it in the U.S. than I would have been doing it all in the U.K. Because we would have had to do all this in the U.K.
Eloise Drane 08:18
And then some. Yeah, yeah. So, when you decided that you, obviously I know you said early on, you knew that you wanted to do it. But when you decided to do surrogacy in the U.S. what was kind of like your first step?
Charlie and Tom Farrant 08:33
We interviewed a lot of fertility clinics first. And yes, surrogacy agencies at the same time, wasn’t it? We did. We did both. Yeah. Because we’d speak to the agency, and they would recommend a fertility clinic, or vice versa. Yeah. So, then we were flip flopping between the two.
Charlie Farrant 08:53
We did a lot of zoom calls, a lot of zoom calls. We started we kind of started out with a list of agencies and clinics, struck some off straightaway, had calls with a number of them, we’d write down kind of the pros and cons of each and discuss it after the call. And then we also spoke to some lawyers in the U.S., British lawyers cannot get involved, that is illegal for them to get involved. So interestingly, our lawyer that has been doing all this; all of the High Court stuff is actually based in Switzerland, which another you know, it’s very international this. Bertie is very international baby.
Eloise Drane 09:36
Already.
Tom Farrant 09:39
Yep. One really good bit of advice that someone gave us was that most of the agencies in U.S., they offer very similar sort of services, and it’s just you have to go with your gut. It was just a feeling wasn’t it? That we
Charlie Farrant 09:53
Some we just wanted, absolutely not from the feeling, and then some, it was like, Okay, this was good, this is bad. I mean, we’re not obviously here to promote that, well, you know
Eloise Drane 10:05
You’re promoting!
Tom Farrant 10:08
This podcast that you will
10:10
I listened to your podcast already, and it was, it was the amount of free information you were giving out that I really appreciated that I was able to, like, I was able to glean a lot more information from the website, your podcast, and from talking to directly to you. And then also the fact that you really looked after your surrogates, I, you were the only agency that had these extra things that we could send us or surrogates on a send the surrogate on a regular basis. And being so far away, that’s something that we wanted to be able to do, because we weren’t going to be able to be with her every month or for every scan. So having that that was one of the main things that stood out for us and the fact that you’d been a surrogate. And you actually knew what you were talking about, rather than just kind of reading from the script of like, here’s how to sign someone up, which a lot of the other calls that we had seemed to be through people either trying to sell us basically an American passport for our child, which were like, I think if you think that’s what we’re here for, you don’t know us at all. But also that just seemed to be like they were on a commission to get signed up.
Eloise Drane 11:21
So, talking about your surrogate, so let’s talk about your surrogate for a little bit. I know we obviously presented a profile to you guys. And it was two profiles, wasn’t it? Was the first one and then you guys didn’t care for that one. And then there was someone else do you want to share about that experience?
Charlie Farrant 11:39
Yeah. So, I think, what happened to the first one? She didn’t want to travel to San Diego. And
Tom Farrant 11:44
That’s right. Yes, I mean and our surrogate, she actually also struggled to find an agency. She’d also signed up to an agency before Family Inceptions, who then didn’t treat her very nicely. And because she’d been she’d wanted to be a surrogate for a year, two years before she actually signed up for Family Inceptions you know. From both sides as a surrogate and an intended parent, it’s a journey. It’s a journey, a journey, yeah, to find the match.
Charlie Farrant 12:18
But I think, I certainly struggled with the time period. And with COVID, there was added time. And so, you’re presented with the first person and your instinct is to just be like, Oh, thank goodness. And just they’ll do, whereas actually, there are some red flags. And we spoke to you, and we were like, this is not quite right. And actually, another couple that have been with Family Inceptions that we are friends with, had a similar, and they said that they really appreciated that you went nope! You’re raising some flags. This is a no. If it’s not a definitely yes. It’s a no.
Tom Farrant 12:53
And they said they meant they did say, you know, you took the decision out of their hands. You said look, you don’t even, I’ve made the decision for you which they, and we, I think really appreciated that. Yeah, because you’re so desperate, yeah, exactly.
Charlie Farrant 13:08
And actually, our match turned out to, it couldn’t have been better. We, I went to San Diego for the embryo transfer and spent the day with our surrogate and her now husband. And
Charlie and Tom Farrant 13:21
Going before that, because we have to make a little video, both us and the surrogate have to make, no you can write a letter as well, okay, well, we both made, you, Family Inceptions suggest you make a little video. And so we. Ours is so cringy. Ours is so awkward.
Eloise Drane 13:36
No, it was awesome, actually, it’s really good.
Tom Farrant 13:41
And then we watched our surrogates and her partner’s video, and we’re like, oh, they’re just as awkward as we are. That was sort of the we’re like, thank God.
Charlie Farrant 13:53
Cause, you’re like, actually, this is more information than I know about most of my friends. And that’s what another thing that I think is the you don’t get that in the U.K.. Like there’s things that you’re that you have to have conversations about. So, you might you sort of match and then you have a conversation like would you terminate if this? Do you agree about this? And actually, I feel like that gets all the awkwardness out of the way because you’ve had the conversation that you never want to have to have been done before you get to the emotional part. Whereas I wonder whether there’s anybody doing those conversations in the U.K. where it’s like, everything is going to be great, and we’re just going to hope for the best. And actually, there’s no one’s sitting down with lawyers and making contracts and working out payments and working out what you do in difficult medical situations, because none of this is kind of really supposed to be happening.
Eloise Drane 14:50
Yep. And I think too, that what people kind of overlook is the importance of all of those precepts, right? Because If you don’t pre plan, those pre steps are pre planning, you’re not going to go into build a house without speaking to an architect. And without having someone design that plan for you. So you have a foundation of where you’re going. And so, surrogacy is the same way. And I think people don’t necessarily put the two together. But it is the same way you want to plan, prepare, get all of those things worked out ahead of time, so that there are always going to be bumps in the road, we’re all human, it’s impossible to say that it’s going to be perfect 100%. However, you can eliminate a lot of the issues ahead of time. And you know, like you and even the other family that you guys were referring to, knowing that I have gone through my own experiences. And I have had a great experience with some of my journeys and thought I had a great experience. And then it ended up not being such a great experience. You appreciate that. Because the decision of you becoming a surrogate or even you having to work with the surrogate, it’s a long term decision, even though yes, let’s say you she’s not in your lives anymore long term. But your child is still there. And one day, he may want to know his story. And what are you going to say then? Oh, no, there was no story. You’re just like, it just again, it’s all part of it. Like you said, it’s all part of that journey.
Charlie Farrant 16:39
I think we’ve been, you know, going back to we were we met, I met the surrogate and her husband in San Diego for the transfer, and got on so well. And we’ve been so lucky to formulate an amazing relationship with them. We were in the U.S. for seven weeks after Bertie was born, and saw them at least once a week, if not twice a week, throughout that period. And they’re getting passports to come over for his first birthday in October. And we just have such a special relationship with them. That I just don’t know. I don’t know, what, what, it would have been like elsewhere. We can’t I have nothing to compare it to luckily, because we’ve had this incredible experience. And I think that’s what you get when you go to somewhere that’s going to be tailoring it to you rather than a private Facebook group where you’re just desperate to find someone that’s willing to carry your child.
Eloise Drane 17:41
Yeah, I’ve heard some stories about people matching on Facebook or social media in general. And people not just they’re not vetting anybody, they’re just jumping in, like you said, you’re so anxious to want to get started. And you’re not really thinking.
Charlie and Tom Farrant 17:57
That’s the only way. If you don’t have a family member or friend that’s offered to do it, then yeah, you have to do it through these groups. There’s no other way. You actually had someone reach out to you from your social media, yeah, to say that you, yeah, and she was willing to carry. But again, we wouldn’t have any of the legal, no, securities.
Eloise Drane 18:18
Do you think there is hope for surrogacy to be normalized and accepted in the U.K.?
Charlie Farrant 18:23
It’s being talked about more is being accepted more.
Tom Farrant 18:26
There’s an MP who is, or a member of parliament, who has just done her surrogacy journey, who is putting, who is pushing it and making a headline in the Houses of Parliament. And that’s why these, they’re talking about these new reforms now.
Charlie Farrant 18:42
But they are not very progressive. There was so much hope for these recommendations. And they’ve, I think they’ve really fallen flat. Unfortunately, I think, I don’t think in our timeframe of, we’d love to have a second, no way, no. We would, will still be going back to the U.S. for it. I wouldn’t recommend any of our friends if they’re going through the surrogacy process, do it in the U.K., currently, just from a us having a great experience in the U.S., but also just the fear unless they have somebody like a sister or something. But I do think it’s being talked about more because I think that, there’s social media has been great for it. Like I follow families in the U.K., that have had children through surrogacy and I think people are just being much more open and honest about it. I think it’s just they are doing that once that the ball is already rolling rather than it being you know, a kind of caught upwards process. It’s almost going the other way we’re forcing it to go to come into the courts, because it’s becoming more prevalent and more people are talking about.
Tom Farrant 19:48
It has progressed as we were when we were at the High Court in front of the judge. You know, he’d been a judge for 30 years in family law, lawyer, or family law. Family court, family court. And he said, you know, if you if you present it, to me 20 years ago, this wouldn’t have happened, I wouldn’t have been able to give you a parental order. It has slowly changed with, me and Charlie was sitting there going, well, we shouldn’t be here anyway, you know, we’ve already, we’ve already got all the paperwork.
Charlie Farrant 20:18
It makes me angry that I have to prove that my son is my son, given that we’ve already done that multiple times it feels.
Tom Farrant 20:27
And even more so when, when, he is genetically completely ours, you know, no donor at all. We just needed someone to carry. So, you know, genetically completely are our child. And it does. You sit there thinking why, why, are we here? He’s quite clearly our son. My son. He looks identical to you.
Eloise Drane 20:49
Yes, yes. I mean, if you think about it, there was a new thing that just came out, 1 in 6 families are now dealing with some sort of infertility, right? And that’s just not in the U.S. that’s across the world. And the fact that there are so many people, increasing in infertility issues, and that’s just not, the touch. I mean, that’s just touching the surface. I mean, what about the ones that have cancer? What about the ones that have other diseases that can’t have a child for whatever reason and need the assistance of third-party? As a society across the world. It’s going to get to a point where people are not going to be able to have children and what did they just kind of stop all of humanity? Because there are certain people and powers that be that, you know, don’t think that it’s right, or, or worthy, or whatever their rationale of why they don’t want this to happen. And it’s like, typically, what happens is until somebody actually experiences something, they can’t fathom what it actually really means to go through that. And I do wonder, you know, if more people like you said the MP that started now in doing surrogacy there, do you know what she worked with a surrogate in the U.K.?
Charlie and Tom Farrant 22:14
I think she did. I think so. Yeah, I think it was in the U.K. She did it. Yeah.
Charlie Farrant 22:17
I think there’s going to be, there’s got to be a shift where we have less white men in power.
Eloise Drane 22:23
Oh, a man girl, preach, preach, preach.
Charlie Farrant 22:27
They are not dealing with it. They are old and they are not seeing it, because it’s not impacting them. That’s right. They don’t care or they’ve got these opinions that are so outdated. And so unhelpful. And I, there’s an article against surrogacy actually in the Spectator, at the moment, a magazine, political magazine in the U.K. And I opened it and then read a little bit and then put it down because I was so angry. And I would really like to, I wish I’d looked at the byline of who had written it, because I don’t think our generation and the ones coming next, have any issues with any but however people create families, whether it’s two men, one man on his own, family needing surrogate, somebody using egg donor, somebody using sperm donor, that kind of thing. I think it’s the people that are generally in power in our country and in the U.S. The 50, 60, 70 year olds, men. Yeah, they are the ones that seem to have this problem, but no actual data and information and life experience of it. That are making the decisions.
Tom Farrant 23:48
Yeah, you’re totally right. It’s so, it’s becoming so common. Yes. Just one of my, one of my best friends, signed up to your agency. We’re speaking to people at work. I’ve spoke to someone the other day he was, he was in front of the same judge, as we were doing, they did surrogacy in Canada. Spoke to another girl, lady at work; she had gone off to Portugal to go and get, find a sperm donor. You know, but everyone’s going abroad, you know? Yeah, I haven’t heard of anyone who’s doing it in the U.K. Yep. Which is really a shame. Yeah. Friend in the next village, they went to the Ukraine to do it. Yep.
Charlie Farrant 24:24
Pretty well. well made. Yeah.
Eloise Drane 24:26
Right. Yeah. I mean, but that’s where it truly is a shame that you have to leave your country to go and have a child because the ignorance of people within the country and don’t get me started on the U.S. because we have our we have our fair issues here. But you know, we definitely do have the ability that anybody and everybody you know, can come to, and can do surrogacy, the unfortunate part is that is so cost prohibitive.
Tom Farrant 25:03
That is what I was going to say. We’re very fortunate that we could afford it. Yes, right. A lot of people out as well. That’s right. And that’s why the only benefit in the U.K. is that is cheaper. Yeah.
Charlie Farrant 25:14
So, in the U.K., in a lot of areas in the U.K., you can qualify for IVF on our national health service. But in England, if you need to use a surrogate, then you do not qualify. In Wales, you do qualify. And it’s like a postcode lottery. And again, it makes me very frustrated that there’s some things that you can, you have IVF on the NHS for some things you can’t. I work for the NHS, I did take pay, unpaid time off to do my IVF. If I’d been doing on the NHS, I wouldn’t have had to take an unpaid time off. And it’s just, there’s a lot of, I think there’s a lot of things that need to happen in the U.K., for it to become accessible for, for, everyone or for more families, not least the, the, legal changes, but also kind of changes within our NHS structure within, you know, we’re to pay how much the legal costs just to go to court.
Tom Farrant 26:16
Yeah, it’s expensive. Yeah. But all completely worth it!
Eloise Drane 26:21
Yes, of course, and, and that’s the beauty of it. In the end,
Tom Farrant 26:25
We had a brilliant experience.
Charlie Farrant 26:27
Yeah, we’d lovely time.
Tom Farrant 26:31
See, for me completely seamless, like I know you are getting frustrated in terms of, in terms of not having a match, you know, it took a while for the match to come.
Charlie Farrant 26:42
You do sign up for it to an agency, you kind of think it’s and I’m sure this is like, people joining dating agencies, you think, right? Well, I’ve done the hard work, we found the, the, agency, we’ve paid our money, like, you know, why is it taking so long? And because, because of COVID. And because of you know, I was in my early 30s. And I just kept thinking, I’m not going to be a mother at this age, I’m not going to be a mother this year, and because obviously, the process of it all takes a bit of time. I found myself getting upset by that. But actually, when I look back now, I’m such a believer, and everything happens for a reason. It all, the timing, all just actually was perfect. From the fact that, bless our surrogate had taken.
Tom Farrant 27:29
She didn’t like being pregnant in Charleston summer.
Charlie Farrant 27:35
No, but bless her, she took her meds early for the transfer. And so that was pulled forward. But actually, I was already in the U.S., like with friends. And so, I could be there early, it didn’t matter. And I just and then we were in America early. And then he had to be born early. And it was it was all fine. And it was everything is worked out so perfectly, that I wouldn’t have wanted it to be with anyone else. Any other timeframe. So, yeah, a reminder to myself and anyone going through this, that patience is really difficult at the time. But yeah, it’s all meant to like everything kind of lines up how it’s meant to be in the end.
Tom Farrant 28:16
And don’t rush. There’s no, there’s no need to rush.
Charlie Farrant 28:19
Yeah. But I feel like women especially feel a bit like you’re on a ticking clock. Even when the IVF is done.
Tom Farrant 28:24
Yes. Once the IVF is done.
Charlie and Tom Farrant 28:27
I know, but you still, once I think once you decide you’re ready to be a mother, you are ready, then. And it’s really hard waiting, you’re trying to say to you don’t have dates in your mind, as you were like, oh, I want him to be born in the summer I want them to be born. You can’t, you can’t, have that, you know, just day will come when, when, he comes. Yeah.
Eloise Drane 28:50
Yep. And it truly is everything happens exactly how it’s supposed to do. So. One of the things is I know this can be a challenge for couples, how do you nurture your relationship with each other through the difficult moments? And like, how do you support each other especially again, where you know, like, Oh, my God, my child is in a different country, not even in a different state where, you know, worst case scenario, I can just get in my car and drive like that’s not possible.
Charlie Farrant 29:21
Yeah. I think you found that difficult because I was texting with our surrogate and you felt
Tom Farrant 29:27
the disconnect. Yeah, it was. I don’t know. Did I deal with that? I mean, I would, I would, I would always think about him. You know, every day, I’d be thinking about him, even though he wasn’t here. And even though Charlie wasn’t carrying him, it was, you know, he was always in my mind. And that’s sort of connected with him. And, you know, with my work and things it was it was a case of we could just jump on a plane and go, Yeah, we’re fortunate with that. And so, because we, we did go, yeah, we went a lot. And because we traveled to the U.S. so much, the U.S. doesn’t feel like a long way away from us. Literally half an hour to the airport. And off we go.
Charlie Farrant 30:11
I mean, it was relationship with each other. It was just kind of,
Tom Farrant 30:15
I was just trying to calm you down, calm down in terms of the expectation. And I said, you know, it will, it will just happen. Don’t have the dates in your mind, because you were like, I want the transfer on this date. Yes. Okay. And then she’ll be pregnant on this date. And then he’ll be born on this date. And I was like, No,
Charlie Farrant 30:36
I think we work well together in the I Am. I did all the planning in terms of like, where are we staying? What do we need? Like board of all the stuff, I can get overwhelmed with all of that kind of thing that I am trying to everything be perfect. And Tom is a lot more laid back and relaxed. And I think it about like it works well. And I think in terms of it, like when we went to the hospital, I work in hospital and loved all medical things. And Tom is very squeamish. And that works. Well. One of us, you did all the paperwork at the hospital. And I did all that, like was in the theater when he was born. And in that operating room when he was born and that sort of thing.
Tom Farrant 31:22
Yeah, there’s a lot of admin that goes with surrogacy, and occasionally that gets quite overwhelming. But apart from that, I never felt I just wanted to, as Charlie said, just relax about the whole thing and let, let, the, the, IVF centers, you know, the, the, fertility clinic, you know, they’re the professionals and they knew what they were doing. And just let them get on with it.
Charlie Farrant 31:46
The only time you nearly let the team down was when we did our IVF.
Tom Farrant 31:51
Yeah, yeah, no, as you said, just a blood test, just a blood test sends me the wrong way.
Charlie Farrant 32:00
So, I had, the day we, I had my egg collection, Tom had to have a blood test for our FDA testing. And
Tom Farrant 32:07
That’s another thing that you, that you, for U.K. intended parents, that we, we, didn’t realize that all the American testing that you’d have to do here to then ship over to America to get all tested.
Eloise Drane 32:20
Well, you know, just even the U.S. though, even the intended parents here have to do the same FDA testing.
Tom Farrant 32:24
Yes, of course. Yeah. And then, the issue with us. There was a storm, so my bloods were taken, and then they got lost in the storm. So, then I had to go back and redo.
Charlie Farrant 32:37
Yeah, but, so we, I had my egg retrieval. And in the same day, Tom had the first round of blood tests. And I came out and, and, they said, Oh, don’t worry, your husband’s fine. I was like, are you kidding me? Like,
Tom Farrant 32:51
I was, I was literally fainting in the other room just having a blood test.
Charlie Farrant 32:57
And I’ve done three weeks of daily injections, and all the meds for the IVF.
Eloise Drane 33:00
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, what, when we’re not going to, you know, points, any fingers.
Tom Farrant 33:10
That was, yeah, that was the only issue for me.
Eloise Drane 33:13
But you were great otherwise. So, you know what that makes up for everything else. Yeah. That’s right.
Charlie Farrant 33:20
I mean, one of the benefits of the fact that you haven’t carried the child and we didn’t breast, I wasn’t breastfeeding, and our surrogate pumped, was that we could really split the parental duties. So, for the first few weeks, we split the night. So, Tom would take 8pm to 1am. And I’d go to sleep. And then I’d get him from 1am to 7am. And I think that helped really helped us. We were never really, really sleep deprived. No. And I think that was a real game changer in terms of how we felt. And I wasn’t recovering. And Tom wasn’t having to try and look after me and a baby, which I just think hats off to all the surrogates and every mother that’s given birth and then looked after their child. I, it’s incredible. I, it was hard enough looking after Bertie, and I hadn’t just been through a major surgery or, you know, 25 hours of labor. But also, our surrogate said that she felt like she recovered more quickly than when she had given birth to her son. Because she didn’t have another, a child to look after. And she was sleeping through and able to look after herself. And she was pleased not to be pregnant. Yes, she was out. We went to a pumpkin patch a few days after Bertie was born and then went on a little carriage ride and yeah, it was
Tom Farrant 34:45
And you really enjoyed it. I found, I found, that I, I, was planning to go home at that, you know the first few weeks of Bertie being, because we had to stay in the U.S. for five weeks, seven. Well, we were there for seven total. So, six weeks after Bertie was born, we were in the U.S. because we had to wait for his passport. And I was sort, you know, in a in a foreign country and I didn’t, we didn’t, I didn’t know the place. I was planning to sort of go home and be with friends, be with family, go back to our house, see the dog, and get into a, into a routine. Whereas you were good at that because you absolutely loved being in Charleston. Yeah. I mean, you would have you would still be in Charleston.
Charlie Farrant 35:30
Yeah, I would. But I also love the bubble. And I love the time that we got to, like, if we’d have been at home, we wouldn’t have had that time to really bond with our surrogate and her husband. Yeah, and they would, they know, knew Bertie, they saw Bertie more than our parents did the first few months, they did all come out. But I just felt like that made it so special. And it wasn’t. I never felt like it was a thanks very much. Okay, bye. It was like, see you in a few days and see you in a few days and see in a few days. And it because she was pumping. We saw her literally every three days. And I just thought that was so special, it was special to spend time with them.
Charlie Farrant 36:12
And I just don’t think that we would have got that if we hadn’t been
Tom Farrant 36:15
No, you’re right. We wouldn’t have. Yeah, but I was just saying,
Charlie Farrant 36:19
If our dog could have been there, then it would have been like perfect.
Eloise Drane 36:23
Perfect! So, last question, what is your advice to other intended parents dealing with the, just having to do surrogacy? Maybe they’re already in the States. Maybe they’re international, but knowing they have to go through the surrogacy route.
Tom Farrant 36:42
Just be patient and keep the faith.
Charlie Farrant 36:47
Have a really good filing system. Yeah, the admin
Tom Farrant 36:53
But don’t let yourself you know, when, when, you come to a stop in the road, don’t let your, don’t, don’t let yourself get stressed about it. Just keep, keep calm. Because it does end up with the most amazing gift that you’ve got. And every day we look at Bertie, we feel absolutely blessed. Yeah, to happen, you know, there will be blocks in the road, or bumps in the road. And I would just say, Yeah, patience.
Charlie Farrant 37:22
I think my advice is just go with your gut, if something doesn’t feel right in your gut, like address that don’t just go with the first, you know, the cheapest or the quickest, or the person promising the world because I just think that that’s not always going to be reality. I think, you know, if you get a bad feeling, or a good feeling, go with it. And I also feel like there’s lots of connections within the fertility world. So, we had really great legal advice, and really great, the clinic that we use San Diego Fertility Center, we had a really good experience with. And we were put in touch with someone through the lawyers to get our passport expedited. So, if you’re struggling with it, something ask they genuinely connection, and they’ll be able to introduce you so it can feel overwhelming. And you can feel really alone, but you’re really not.
Tom Farrant 38:13
Yeah. And for intended parents in the U.K., you feel so lonely here, because no one talks about it. And it’s not a big thing. And then when we’ve started, when we first started out and talking to agencies and fertility clinics, and speaking to yourself, you completely normalize the whole thing, you know, because you do it every day. And is it way more common in the U.S., it was a real reassurance for us to speak to yourself and other agencies. And you just completely normalized it for us. And we got off the calls. And we’re like, God, it’s just like a completely normal conversation we’ve just had, whereas up until then, it was a real sort of taboo talking about it.
Charlie Farrant 38:59
It was embarrassing. I felt embarrassed that we were having to use it, to go through this. And then we started doing all the research speaking to people. And actually,
Tom Farrant 39:09
It turned out normalized, which was a real
Charlie Farrant 39:12
It took the embarrassment away and we were able to then tell friends and family and be confident and proud and like this is what we’ve chosen and, and, it backed up our decision. And our you know, it made me kind of think this is the right decision for us for these reasons. And yeah, it just reassured us that we were not alone on the journey.
Tom Farrant 39:35
Yeah. So, talk, talk, to people.
Eloise Drane 39:38
It’s very frustrating. I know I say was the last question and I’m sorry, but it’s just frustrating to have to hear of, you know, families who, or couples or individuals or whomever they want to have their children they want to have their families, and everything is such a secrete. And it’s like, you know, now granted, back in the days when I first started surrogacy, too, it was very taboo to talk about, and people didn’t really talk about it. And it was something hidden. And, you know, and oh, gosh, and then I was even more of an anomaly, because here I was a Black woman who wanted to be a surrogate, that was just unheard of, you know, 15, 16 years ago. But it’s like, you just have to keep pushing through. And it’s, you know, people like you who are willing to share your story, and willing to tell people like it is normal, is nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Because when you look at Bertie, there’s no shame in him whatsoever.
Charlie Farrant 40:44
No, absolutely not. And also, no one asks now. No, like, I go to mum and baby classes. And there’s no point where so anyone said, oh, did you carry him? Yeah. I mean, the first few days when he was born, we were walking around there, and it How old is he? And we’re like, three weeks, three days. And they’d be like, oh, my goodness, you look amazing. And I say, I was like, by the way, I didn’t carry him. I’m not
Tom Farrant 41:09
You just milked it. You’re like, yeah I know. Thank you!
Charlie Farrant 41:13
I did just take the compliment. But,
Eloise Drane 41:15
That’s right. Hey, I would. Thank you very much and doesn’t he look like me.
Tom Farrant 41:25
But yeah, you’re right now, it’s just no, it’s, it’s not even a thing. Absolutely not.
Eloise Drane 41:33
Well, and the thing about it, too, is, but it’s none of your business. Yeah, that’s the whole thing about it. Okay, so I had to go the surrogacy route. But if I don’t feel like sharing that with you, I don’t have to.
Charlie Farrant 41:48
We know, I know friends that, you know, go through IVF. And they never tell anyone they go through miscarriages, miscarriages, it’s, I think it’s a shame when people feel like they can’t. I think you need to respect that people don’t want to.
Eloise Drane 42:04
That’s right.
Charlie Farrant 42:06
We’ve been, overshares, as I am an overshare. In every. At the start, you didn’t want to share. No. It was you actually telling your friends first.
Tom Farrant 42:14
Yeah. I told everyone straightaway. Yeah. That’s I think it’s such a wonderful thing to share.
Eloise Drane 42:19
Yeah. I agree.
Tom Farrant 42:21
Whereas you took a little bit longer. And now you know, it’s really out. Yeah. It’s lovely. Because you get people all through your social media reaching out to you.
Charlie Farrant 42:30
Yeah. We’ve done our embryos in the U.K. And we need, we’ve been told by somebody in the U.S. that we can’t use them. And I was like, get in touch with San Diego.
Eloise Drane 42:41
Yeah. Well, guys, I really, truly appreciate your time and you sharing your story. And I’m very grateful that you guys allowed us to take that journey with you as well.
Charlie and Tom Farrant 42:52
It’s great speaking to you. Yeah. Thank you so much. Talk about it. Oh,
Eloise Drane 42:57
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